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Frday extras..............
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray Has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Mexicans, Pepe and Pedro, who had been lost in the desert for weeks, were at death's door.
As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spied through the heat and haze, a tree,
Off in the distance. As they get closer, they began to make out that the tree was draped with slabs upon slabs of bacon.
There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, juicy nearly-raw bacon, bacon of all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe," cried Don Pedro, "Ees a bacon tree! We are saved!"
"You're right, amigo!" said Pepe as he went on ahead and running up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.
When he got to within five feet of the tree, the sound of machine gun fire erupted and down he went in a hail of bullets.
Don Pedro quickly dropped down on the sand and called out to his dying friend, "Pepe! Pepe! "Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath, Pepe called out, "Run, amigo, run! Ees not a bacon tree."
"Ees a ham bush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
" Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she ouched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray Has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Mexicans, Pepe and Pedro, who had been lost in the desert for weeks, were at death's door.
As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spied through the heat and haze, a tree,
Off in the distance. As they get closer, they began to make out that the tree was draped with slabs upon slabs of bacon.
There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, juicy nearly-raw bacon, bacon of all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe," cried Don Pedro, "Ees a bacon tree! We are saved!"
"You're right, amigo!" said Pepe as he went on ahead and running up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.
When he got to within five feet of the tree, the sound of machine gun fire erupted and down he went in a hail of bullets.
Don Pedro quickly dropped down on the sand and called out to his dying friend, "Pepe! Pepe! "Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath, Pepe called out, "Run, amigo, run! Ees not a bacon tree."
"Ees a ham bush
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
" Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she ouched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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