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Make the Call
Hello, and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1.... repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, it won't make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 119.
If you are bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk to just you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1.... repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, it won't make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 119.
If you are bipolar, leave a message before the beep or after the beep or before the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk to just you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
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