Looking after your parents when they get old

[Fluff]

Was talking about this with a colleague at work.

He said to me if your wife(hypothetical at the moment) ever asks you to choose between her and supporting your parents you should side with your parents and file for divorce.

He also said if you turn your back on your parents and just ship them off to the nearest nursing home when they get frail, what kind of message would that give to your kids(hypothetical for a while).

Mine arent there yet, but what have you guys done/did to support yours? Did they move in, did you move near them, etc.

[Dr Mordrid]

Here in the midwest most people are pretty conservative & families are close, even the in-laws. A mate that offered that option might as well divorce their own family too as they would catch hell from both sides.

Both of my parents & Margies dad are gone, but her mom is still with us. My mom died suddenly so the issue never came up, but both our fathers had long illnesses. Both were taken care of by both extended families. My father died a few days after entering a hospice (palliative care center) with cancer and hers at home (heart failure) and neither was ever alone.

Her mother just turned 80 and is still active & in her own house, but she's visited almost daily by her kids, grandkids and extended family. She also has a street full of friends & their kids who call her "gram'a P" (P = her last name initial). She would have to be dragged out by a team of horses

Most all of our immediate family is within 20-30 miles. Gram'a P lives ~1 mile from us and <8 miles from Magies brother and his family. Our grown kids & their families live in the same sub by intent (they're all very close), about 3 miles from us.

[ND66]

My dad lives with us, fairly active for his age (78), some health issues (pacemaker, angioplasty, etc).
He doesn’t interfere with anything, not being bossy at all. And my children just adore him. Every morning they wake up, they give him a wake up call including my 10 months old Matthew.
He’ll stand up by his bed and pull on his eyebrows… .

[RedRed]

I agree with your mate.

Urban living makes it more difficult, reduced space, but they wiped your arse for years, supported you when you were younger and helped get you started in life. Even if there was no 'love' debt, there certainly should be a practical debt that can never really be repaid. You are where you are on their shoulders...

My folks and Paulas are still reasonibly fit. (dad has a few steints, but at 75 he is in reasonable shape otherwise). Should they need support, I am there for it BEFORE ITS ASKED FOR. (though we live some 30 miles away)

We have discussed it in the house, and my wife agrees. I have a few years experience as a nurse, and am be comfortable looking after someone who needed close support.

It could be difficult - looking after a relative with dimentia at home could be a real struggle, and at certain points, down right dangerous for children. Intimate care can be an issue for some people as well, (perhaps peg feeding, catheter care etc.) which I can understand.

RedRed