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Well, not really. I found them in this new-fangled internet thingy that somebody has installed on my computer.
- Two elderly vultures realized they couldn't fly south for the winter. So they decided to take an airplane instead. As they were checking their bags at the airport, the attendant noticed they were carrying dead raccoons. The attendant asked if they would like to check the raccoons. One of the vultures replied, "No thanks. They're carrion."
- After returning to the building site from purchasing supplies at the local hardware shop, the foreman addressed his workmen and delegated the day's duties.
"Tom, take Jim and Chris down and finish digging out the drainage ditch. Bill, keep running the electricity leads, and Wong, you're in charge of the supplies."
The men went about their designated duties, and it wasn't until some hours later that the foreman realised that the supplies were still in the back of the truck. Not seeing Wong anywhere around, the foreman went in search of his wayward worker.
Just as the foreman had given up hope, Wong jumped out from behind a drum and yelled, "SUPPLIES!"
- A handyman had a dog named Mace. Mace was a good dog, but he had a strange quirk. He liked to eat grass – lots of it. One day the handyman was working outside. Much to his dismay, he lost his favorite wrench in some tall grass. After looking for a while, he had to give up because it was getting dark. The next morning, he decided to go look for the wrench again. He found Mace had eaten the grass where he was working. The wrench was now in plain sight. So the handyman called the dog over and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
- Well, we had our first metro snows of the season this past week, which always makes for interesting driving. I was traveling north on I-25, the windows were icing over, and my wiper blades were not up to the job. Concerned about the glacier forming on the windshield, I suddenly had a great idea. I exited by an undeveloped field and searched until I located two lethargic, hibernating rattlesnakes. I straightened them out and installed them on my blades, where they worked just fine. What? You've never heard of wind-chilled vipers??
- A piece of string walks into a bar. He orders a beer, but the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve string in here! Get out!".
Humbled but unfazed, the string walks out to the street and twists himself about, throws himself askew, even tears himself asunder and anewone, until he looks perfectly ragged. He assumes a loose pretzel shape and walks back in.
The bartender sees him immediately and snaps, "Hey, I told you we don't serve string in here!"
The string fires back, "But I'm not a piece of string! No, I'm a frayed knot!"
- A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back. Through the fog, he sees an upright casket banging its way toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man runs toward his home, the casket bouncing behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door. He fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and locks it. However, the casket crashes through, with its lid clapping. Clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... The man runs upstairs to the bathroom. He locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head reeling; his breath coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping, it rushes him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything. But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it...and the coffin stops!
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