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One liners...
Some of these are too comtemporary for Tommy Cooper, but you can just imagine him saying them. 
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest."
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought "That's Aboriginal".
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest."
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought "That's Aboriginal".
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
Hilarious!
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