Some apocryphal ATC stories

[Brian Ellis]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************** ************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
************************************************** **************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
************************************************** ************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
************************************************** **************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************** *************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************** **************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
************************************************** **************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
************************************************** ************************************************** *
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
************************************************** **************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
************************************************** ***********************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[lowlifecat]

i lol'd at all except last one which reminds me of xgf :|

[VJ]

Milan Info with heavy traffic: "Now stop transmitting all of you!, I am getting grazy down here!".
(sudden radio silence followed)
Milan Info: "O.K., that is better, now start again, but one by one!"

Heard at Schiphol airport:
French female pilot to Ground: "Ground, can I have my pussy back (push-back)?"
English accent pilot to Ground before they could answer:
"Ow come'on guys, give the girl her pussy back"
Lot of laughing on the frequency

"Approach, UAL525, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"
"UAL525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?"

"The first officer says he's got you in sight."
"Roger, the first officer's cleared for a visual approach runway 27 Right...
you continue on that 180 heading and descend to three thousand."

Twr: "Captain, FYI, you were just left of centre."
Cpt: "Yeah and my co-pilot was just on the right."

"Expect lower at the end of this transmission."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

"If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

"I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

"You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend ... go ahead."

"You're gonna have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

"It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything?"

"Caution wake turbulence you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."

"Climb like you're life depends on it ... because it does."

"If you want more room Captain, push your seat back."

"For radar identification throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

"Air Force one, I told you to expedite."

"Listen up gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin') me off!"

"Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine .... see ya!"

"Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?"
(Response -"Rogah, switching!")

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"
"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here."

"American Two-Twenty, Eneey, meeny, miney, moe, how do you hear my radio?"

"Air Wisconsin Three-Thirty-Five, caution wake turbulence, there is an Air Wisconsin Three-Forty-Five on the frequency."

"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."

"We were told Rwy 09...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."
"Captain you got sixty miles to take it out...have a ball."

"The traffic at nine o'clock's gonna do a little Linda Ronstadt on you."
"Linda Ronstadt? What's that?"
"Well, sir, they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'."

"I can see the country club down below...look's like a lot of controllers out there!"
"Yes, sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you."

"N07K you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes, you're cleared for the ILS approach. Call the tower."

"MidEx 726, sorry about that, Center thought you were a Midway arrival. Just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies...we'll get you to Milwaukee."

"Approach, what's our sequence?"
"Calling for the sequence I missed your callsign, but if I find out what it is, you're last."

"Sure you can have eight miles behind the heavy...there'll be a United tri-jet between you and him."

"Approach, SWA436, you want us to turn right to 090?"
"No, I want your brother to turn. Just do it and don't argue."

"DAL1176, say speed."
"DAL1176, we slowed it down to two-twenty."
"DAL1176 pick it back up to two-fifty...this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground."

"Request Runway 27 Right."
"Unable."
"Approach, do you know the wind at six thousand is 270 at fifty?"
"Yeah, I do, and if we could jack the airport up to fifty-five hundred you could have that runway. Expect 14 Right."

"Air Force Four-Five, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

"Hey, O'Hare, you see the 7600 code flashing five northwest of Gary?"
"Yeah, I do...you guys talkin' to him?"
(7600 is the code for radio failure)

"Approach, what's the tower?"
"That's a big tall building with glass all around it, but that's not important right now."

"How far behind traffic are we?"
"Three miles."
"That doesn't look like three miles to us!"
"You're a mile and a half from him, he's a mile and a half from you...that's three miles."

And the number one actual transmission heard in the O'Hare TRACON is:
"Turn in and take over .. you know the rest."

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right." Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??" The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport".

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer) Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak english." Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why, must I speak English?" Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

ATC kept an aircraft very high for a long time then suddenly they said: "Leave FL220, descent 2000 feet and cleared approach", on which the pilot said: "Sorry sir, we are to high and need delaying vectors". ATC: "I suggest you use speedbrakes" to which the pilot replyed: "Speedbrakes are for my mistakes, not yours!!"

Tower: ‘Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?‘
Pilot: ‘An A 340, of course!‘
Tower: ‘Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take-off?'

Pilot: ‘Good morning, Bratislava.‘
Tower: ‘Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna.‘
Pilot: ‘I am now on landing approach to Bratislava.‘
Tower: ‘This really is Vienna.‘
Pilot: ‘Vienna?‘
Tower: ‘Yes.‘
Pilot: ‘But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.‘
Tower: 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left.'

Tower to a pilot that landed REALLY hard:
‘A landing shouldn’t be a secret. It’s all right for the passengers to know when they’re down.‘
Pilot: ‘That’s okay. They always clap anyway.'

Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when a lightning hit him:
‘We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything ........‘
After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the comm: ‘Oh shut up and die like a man!'

Pilot: There’s a landing light burning.‘
Tower: ‘I hope there are more than that burning.‘
Pilot: ‘I mean, the landing light’s smoking.'

Pilot: ‘We’re running low on fuel. Please advise.‘
Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope.‘
Pilot: ‘We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck.'

Tower: ‘Do you have any problems?‘
Pilot: ‘I lost my compass.‘
Tower: ‘The way you fly, you lost all the instruments.'

Tower: ‘After landing, go to Taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.‘
Pilot: ‘Where on earth is that? We don’t know our way around here.‘
Tower: ‘That’s all right. I’m only here for two days myself.'

[VJ]

Pilot: ‘Tower, request take-off clearance.‘
Tower: 'Sorry , we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?‘
Pilot: ‘Like every Monday, to Salzburg.‘
Tower: ‘But today is Tuesday!‘
Pilot: 'What? Then it’s our day off!'

Pilot: ‘Is there no Follow-me-Car?‘
Tower: 'Negative. Why don’t you get to the gate yourselves.'

Tower: ‘Height and position?‘
Pilot: ‘I am 1.80 m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side.'

Tower to a private plane:
‘How many souls on board?‘
Pilot: 'Pilot, two passengers and a dog.‘
Tower, after a hard landing:
‘I take it the dog did that landing?'

Tower: ‘Do you have enough fuel or not?‘
Pilot: ‘Yes.‘
Tower: ‘Yes, what?‘
Pilot: ‘Yes, Sir!!!'

Tower: ‘Please give us your estimated arrival.‘
Pilot: 'Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me.'

München Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

A "SR71" Blackbird was crossing the control-zone of London Control. It seems that the controller didn't know the service ceiling of this aircraft (around 30.000 meters (not feet!!)):
Pilot: Radar, Good Day, Airforce Blackbird, request FL 600(!)
Controller (amused): Sir, if you can reach, you are cleared FL 600
Pilot: US Air Force Blackbird, leaving FL 800, decending Level 600...

Controller (many turbulances over Africa): "Sabena 123 maintain contact with Brazzaville."
Pilot: "Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat!"

Ground Controller: "Cessna 2141U, are you the Cessna behind the Cessna in front of you?"

Pilot: "Tower, can I have a rough time-check?!"
Tower: "It is Tuesday, sir!"

ATC : "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "
Cessna : "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC : "I meant in the next five minutes, not years..."

Tower : "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476"
Pilot : "Say again"
Tower : "Squawk 0476"
Pilot : "Four, Zero...?"
Tower : "Do you want an easier one ?"

CTL : "Cessna 123, do you have 'Hotel' Information ?"
Cessna : "No, thanks, Tower, we're staying with friends."

This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and sais to the attendant 'Fill'er up !'
The attendant stared at the pilot.
"Bet you don't get too many aeroplanes asking for fuel", said the pilot.
The attendant replied : "True, most pilots use this airport, on the other side oh the road !"

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure.
PSA called the tower and said :
"Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

Tower: "You have traffic at 10 o`clock, six miles."
Pilot: "Give us another hint; we have digital watches."

Tower: "H-CM, the airfield is at your 2 o`clock position."
Pilot: "Roger, is that local time or UTC?"

Tower: "N345E, go around, go around, your gear is up!!!"
Pilot: "Tower, can you say again, this horn is making such a noise."

Tower: "N7584S, say altitude."
N7584S: "Altitude..."
Tower: "N7584S, say heading."
N7584S: "Heading..."
Tower: "N7584S, say cancel IFR!"
N7584S: "Euh, we're at FL 200 heading 215..."

KLM123: "Approach, goedemiddag KLM123, descending FL70 inbound SPL reducing 250 knots."
Controller: "Waarom??"
KLM123: "Nou, dan kunnen we nog wat langer van het uitzicht genieten."
Controller: "Oke, speed 250, descent FL40"
Controller: "Transavia456, Descent to 2000ft speed 220"
Piloot: "Waarom?"
Hoop gelach op het kanaal.
Controller: "Nou, anders wordt het zo'n chaos hier beneden."

A/C op Tower frequency: "Cabin crew, take your seat!"
Tower: Nou, ik zit al lekker hoor! (="Oh, I'm comfortable")
A/C: "O, pardon!"
Tower: "Haha"

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."

Pilot with Southern drawl: Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."

Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

[VJ]

But I must admit that in reality, there aren't that many fun conversations on the frequency. Here is a one encountered myself while I was still in training and flying with my instructor Ludo.

Ludo: "Request interpilot with ..."
tower: "Interpilot approved"
Ludo: "Robert, are you aware that you need to teach your course in 10 minutes?"
Robert: "Euhm, yes... I will be late... Oh, and do you have a book I could borrow?"

Another one I encountered, I just landed, in poor visibility and was still rolling on the runway to the first exit.
Tower: "Don't be startled, the runway lights will be put on full bright for a plane that cannot find the runway".


And others I heard:
(you don't get a landing clearence to land if there is traffic on the runway, and you must repeat many commands)
Plane: "Final"
Tower: "You are number one, continue approach"
Plane: "Cleared to land"
Tower: "Negative, I said continue approach... .... Now it is cleared to land"
Plane: "Ok... cleared to land"

Tower: "Are you aware that you landed in the opposite direction, without landing clearence? That is very dangerous. Report to the tower after landing."

Plane: "Final runway 26"
Tower: "Runway in use is 08, make a right turn to join left hand downwind for 08."
Plane: "Final runway 26"
Tower: "I say again: runway in use is 08, make a right turn to join left hand downwind for 08."
Plane: "Final runway 26"
Tower (in Dutch, very angry): "Make a right turn NOW. If you don't obey this time, you can hand in your license and will never fly again."
Plane: "Making a right turn to join lefthand downwind for 08"


Jörg

[Technoid]

well, no wonder the moller skycar is the FAA's worst nightmare

[schmosef]

These are so funny.