Pierre the fighter pilot

[Brian Ellis]

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, ''Pierre, kiss me!!'' Our hero grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
''What are you doing, Pierre?'' says the startled Marie.
''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'' She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, ''Pierre, kiss me lower.'' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
''Pierre! what are you doing?!'' asks the bewildered Marie.
''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'' They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ''Pierre, kiss me lower!''
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, ''Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?''
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, ''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!''

[Dr Mordrid]

A guy goes to his doctor. The doc asks him how he's doing.

"Well, I'm not real happy with that guy that did my back surgery", the man says. "He told me I'm only allowed to lift 8 pounds!"

"So what's the problem?", the doctor asks....

The patient says, "So how am I supposed to take a leak?"

[VJ]

There was this opera recital, where a complex and difficult piece of opera is performed. During the intermission, two guys are standing next to each other in the mens' room (ok, not done, according to the mens' bathroom etiquette), but it happened.
One guys says to the other: "man, what a piece of work"
The other guy replies: "would you be so kind as to look in your own urinal?"

[Dr Mordrid]

While trying to escape to Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a beautiful female Genie pops out the bottle, and with a very suggestive smile says, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama replies, "You ignorant, unworthy, infidel daughter of a Dog! Do you not know who I am?!?!? I need no common woman giving me anything!"

The Genie was taken aback. She said, "Please, Master, I must grant you one wish, or I shall forever be imprisoned in this bottle!"

Osama thought for a moment while grumbling about the impertinence of the woman. and finally said "Very well. I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. SO just do it, and be off with you!"

The now annoyed Genie said "So be it!" and vanished.

The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

Allahu Ahkbar!!

[ND66]

I might be a repost, but anyway...

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed.