Why are nerds unpopular?

[Fat Tone]

My eldest is very bright, doing very well at his new school, predicted and getting top grades across the board. He has just turned 12. As an example his maths teacher hopes to take him to the national maths olympics.

Trouble is he's now being called 'nerd' all the time and it is getting to him. Teenagers haven't changed since I was at school

I'm starting to research the problem. Came across this interesting essay on the topic. The guy clearly has a huge chip on his shoulder and definitely has a problem with the American education system. His main posit is that 'popular' kids spend all their time working on being popular and nerds just don't have time for that.

Sigh. How do you help a bright kid be happy at school?

[Jammrock]

Because most kids feel the need to overcompensate for their lack of intelligence by mentally and physically dominating the more intelligent types. One average the "nerds" do not have the physique and social skills needed to for protective groups to fend off hostility from the "alpha males" at school.

I don't know how to help you though. I was a geek/nerd at school, but at the time I was a 6'1", 315 lbs, interioir defensve lineman and easily the strongest kid at school. No one messed with me or my friends (who were all more booksmart than anything else). I suppose your son could find the local version of me and make friends. Having someone by your side who can pummel troublemakers is always handy.

Or do what Doc does and teach your kid to defend himself. Doesn't always work when you get ganged up on, but it's worth a shot.

[Dr Mordrid]

....Or do what Doc does and teach your kid to defend himself. Doesn't always work when you get ganged up on, but it's worth a shot.

Funny you should mention this as it's quite timely.

Because Erik wears glasses and because of his general looks some kids have called him "Harry Potter" for years. He takes it in stride because he's a Harry Potter fan. Well, true to form there are kids in Jr. High who feel it's their 'duty' to take on the role of Draco Malfoy, Harry's nemesis in school.

Last Thursday this Malfoy-wannabe knocked Erik's books out of his hands in the hallway. Erik reported it and went on his way. Kid got a talking to by the art teacher and that was it.

Next day in gym class same kid, out of sight of the teacher, started cursing Erik out at nose to nose range. Erik told him where to get off, so the kid took a shot and grazed him in the shoulder (he ducked nicely from what I hear). Erik, true to his training, responded instantly with a hard right cross to the jaw. Down on the floor they both went and the battle was on. All reports are that Erik did the most damage.

"Malfoy" got 5 days suspension. Erik, because of a stupid school policy that says even the victim of an attack gets suspended, got 2 days of in-school suspension (they go to a separate room where their work is taken to them).

Did we punish him too? No f'ing way. The little cretin deserved everything he got.

How would this have been handled when I was a kid? The gym teacher would have set up the boxing club's ring, gloved 'em up and gave them 3 rounds to settle things, after which they would, as a team, have to take down the ring and put away the gear.

"Malfoy" should be glad he didn't have to go 3 rounds with Erik, who has been doing glove work and taught how to wrestle since he was 3 years old.

[VJ]

Tough question... I hated going school for this reason... things haven't changed... :sad:

It is very easy to say "it will get better later", and this is indeed the case, but as a kid, you just want it to get better "now"... and to just have them leave you be.
It is also very easy to say "don't let them get to you", but that is in my opinion worthless advice. You can try to avoid them, but they won't try to avoid you (on the contrary). And they will find ways to get under your skin.

While violence is never an option, thing got better for a brief period after I hit the "leader" a black eye - during biology class... (he sat next to me). Funny thing is: he was so shocked, that when the teacher asked what had happened, he said it was his fault... (The teachers usually know about these situations, so I also got off very lightly, but of course they cannot let something like that pass unpunished. Completing the punishment was still very worthwhile the act.)
For me, it got better after changing school after the 4th year in high school (age 16-17), but this had more to do with the different students than anything else. There were some guys from another class still making problems (with many students), but at one time I held one of them in the hallway (close to the principals office, inching closer to the door: he really got scared - I didn't really care; he had his reputation against him). This by coincidence was seen by some of my class mates... Immediately word got round, and when I walked out onto the playground, my classmates were applauding and kids from other classes also were happy that someone did this.

But this is no advice... just sharing personal experiences...

I would suggest helping him find some form of weekend-pass times where he can really get his mind into and where he fits in: it gives hime something to look forward to, which may help to endure the week; for me, it was badminton (sports surprisingly). It also makes him realize that "they" are wrong thus building selfconfidence. Also, if he wants to feel sad about it, allow him, give him some time/space so that he can process things (don't say "it is not that bad").

[VJ]

Man...doc...if I was you, I'd be down there in a Balaklava and I would flog the **** outta that "Malfoy"...and I would do it again if he picked on my kid. and then once more for good measure

Parents' "active" help will backfire... (trust me on that one: it gives them more proverbial sticks)

[Brian Ellis]

Flashback 70-odd years!

Our classes, I suspect actively supported by the staff, had an elite, those good at games and diverse afhletic pastimes. There was a sub-elite of those who shone academically (the "swots"), and the rubbish, who were mediocre at both. On an average, in a class of 28 pupils I'd guess there would 20 elites, 2 swots and 6 mediocres. I belonged to the latter category, possibly because, due to the outbreak of war in 1939, the number of classes had to be reduced and I was propelled forwards until I was 3 years younger than the average age of my classmates. This means I was totally out of their league athletically and I struggled academically. I tended to be ignored (no bullying though) except by a few of my fellow-mediocres 2 or 3 of whom were in the same boat.

What it did mean, positively, was that I had the good results from my university entrance exam before my 15th birthday and I started serious studies at 15, obtaining my 5-year degree (all bar one 4th year exam) just before my 19th birthday, which I spent in square-bashing (boot camp for US types!). I retook my one failed exam while I was in the army, so I got my paper diploma at 19.

In reality, in retrospect, I suppose I was really quite bright as my peers were 3-years older. I never was much good at games, although I played rugby and cricket and had to do the compulsory gym and swimming. Physically, my body is very slightly deformed and my long, thin arms had and have little muscle and poor co-ordination.

Yes, I had a tough time at school because I was "mediocre". I can't recollect being physically bullied, except for one incident when I accidentally let slip the identity of a miscreant to a teacher, when the whole class descended on me for "sneaking". I was simply ignored by, say 24 or 25 of my classmates as not being worthy of their attention. Of course, I wanted to fit in, but it was not to be. I don't think I was really much worse for it, though.

[cjolley]

Basically, I think it comes down to physical insecurity, and the competition for mates by our ape brains.
The bullies are just doing what they have always done, and your son is insecure about his ability to defend himself physically.
Even though the interactions are mainly social, not physical.
I am reminded of a story I read when I was about his age. A girl that age was insecure about her looks and found a beret that she thought made her look better. She got compliments about how nice she looked all day. Only to find out later the beret had fallen off as she walked out of the store.
Anyway, Judo. It won't get him in nearly as much trouble if he does have to defend himself, because he won't need to draw blood to win. And then there will be that aura of "I'm not afraid" that stops bullies before they start in.

[Fat Tone]

It's not at all about physical stuff, at least not that I am aware of. Maybe that's because he has had a black-belt in karate since he was 10? As I know all too well from my own childhood you don't need violence to make you miserable. Constant name calling and loneliness are more than sufficient.

[cjolley]

Usually someone with physical self confidence is not bullied.
Is there one instigator in particular?
Does your son have a group of his own friends?

[KRSESQ]

Herding up with some of the other misfits is a good way to get through it. Safety in numbers, and all that.

Kevin

[VJ]

So true... In my case, it never turned physical (apart from my 2 "interventions").
But somehow they find ways of getting to you, even with seemingly small remarks. An outsider would simply say "that doesn't mean much", but added to all the previous ones, and it gets to you. The "not being accepted" or not fitting in... It really is terrible...

I can understand the frustration as a parent: you are basically powerless.

This is why I'd suggest help him find something for the weekend, preferably in group. I trained swimming and later badminton (both competitavely), if for no other reason that to find a group of people where he socially fits in.
In our flying club, there is this 14 year old kid who has followed the theory courses, and even had practical lessons, but will have to wait for solo first flights until he is 16 (legislation). Ok, the father has a piloting license, but looking at the kid I'd say he has problems fitting in at school: he seems too adult - mentally. And you can tell he really enjoys being there, even though he is by far the youngest of the group. Of course, this is a bit extreme (and maybe not ideal: not being around people your own age), but finding something where he can be accepted, and can come to realize that it will get better in time may give hime some mental resistance and lead to him having a general composure where the bullies might find a different target...

[cjolley]

Plus, people tend to be more indifferent towards teasing from "outsiders". But you have to be a member of some group for others to qualify as outsiders.

I know Becky suffered mightily from this in High School. ChooChoo even gets a bit of it in 3ed grade, though I think she has naturally more self confidence than Becky or I did as children.
I was quite nerdy, but was so near autistic that I don't recall being teased. Probably my reaction was either indifference or puzzlement and therefor not satisfying to the tormentors, so they tended to look elsewhere for victims.

[Wulfman]

judging from the responses: get him onto murc, everybody here seems a) to have experience b) is over it...

my recommendation: different school with better classmates.

mfg
wulfman

[Jammrock]

The only interventions a parent should make are 1) teach your kid self respect and how to take the high ground, 2) teach them how to punch when the high ground is lost, 3) stand up to the schools when they have to defend themselves.

[cjolley]

The only interventions a parent should make are...

0, Make sure your child knows he is loved at home. Explicitly and frequently.
Hard as that may be sometimes with a middle schooler