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A couple of jokes
Probably old, but...
THE NUN AND THE SAILOR
A SAILOR gets on a bus and spies a pretty young NUN. He sits down next to her, and asks, “Can we have sex?†“No,†she replies, “I’m married to God.†She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard the exchange between the two, turns to the sailor and says, “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!â€
“Yeah?†says the sailor. “Yeah!†says the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.â€
The sailor decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,†he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me………..†The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
“Ha-ha,†he cries. “I’m the sailor from the bus!â€
“Ha-ha,†also cries the ‘nun’ while removing her own hood. “
I’m the bus driver!â€
THE RABBI IS LEAVING
At the regular Shabbat morning service, the rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,
because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline
stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to
transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If
the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said: "**** him."
And finally... (see, three for the price of two!)
A man goes out to play golf.
He is teeing off from the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit the ball when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and checks in to the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin.
So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
THE NUN AND THE SAILOR
A SAILOR gets on a bus and spies a pretty young NUN. He sits down next to her, and asks, “Can we have sex?†“No,†she replies, “I’m married to God.†She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard the exchange between the two, turns to the sailor and says, “I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!â€
“Yeah?†says the sailor. “Yeah!†says the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.â€
The sailor decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,†he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. “Have sex with me………..†The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
“Ha-ha,†he cries. “I’m the sailor from the bus!â€
“Ha-ha,†also cries the ‘nun’ while removing her own hood. “
I’m the bus driver!â€
THE RABBI IS LEAVING
At the regular Shabbat morning service, the rabbi announced that he was
planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,
because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline
stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to
transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If
the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi
stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said: "**** him."
And finally... (see, three for the price of two!)
A man goes out to play golf.
He is teeing off from the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to hit the ball when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.
The man takes his winnings and checks in to the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that
is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin.
So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."