It's time for another joke thread...

[Fat Tone]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Wait a minute…”

[Brian Ellis]

My wife decided to wear a Burqa for a week just to see what the public reaction was like.

The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse, and received death threats.

God knows what's going to happen to her when she leaves the house!!!.

[Fat Tone]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!

[MultimediaMan]

This year, I shot my very first Turkey on Thanksgiving morning; It caused quite a panic in the frozen food section of my grocery store.

[Brian Ellis]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the landrover you booked for speeding last week."

[ALBPM]

If you watch College Football

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"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
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How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
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Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
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What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
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University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
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How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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[Fat Tone]

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.

A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, ‘did you call for me?’

The man replied, ‘No, what do you mean?’

She said, ‘You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.’

Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony’s facilities.

He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

‘Did you call for me?’ asked the hairy man.

‘No, what do you mean?’ replied the newcomer.

‘You must be new.’ answered the hairy man, ‘It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.’

The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, ‘May I help you?’ she asked.

‘Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.’

‘But, Sir,’ she replied, ‘you’ve only been here a few hours. You haven’t had a chance to see all our facilities.’

‘Listen lady, I’m 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day….I’m outta here.’

[Brian Ellis]

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again - this time for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks: 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[ALBPM]

Better than a pot of Gold

[Umfriend]

LOL. Like m all, keep m coming

[Brian Ellis]

· Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

· Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

· A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

· I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

· Got stopped in the street outside the pharmacy today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

· Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at pool.

· Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

· If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham, then delete it - it's Spam.

· They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

· When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[Fat Tone]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man..
‘ Same for me,’ says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’

‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[Fat Tone]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?’

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, ‘Honey, please… just one more time before I die.’

She says, ‘Of course, Dear,’ and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…’

At this point the wife sits up and says,

‘Listen Morris, enough is enough. “ I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!

[Brian Ellis]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'


She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

[Brian Ellis]

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, wife of Prince William, has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.

We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.