Joke thread

[Jammrock]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son, "What did you do after school today?"

The son replies, "I did my homework." The robot slaps the son. The son finally admits, "Ok, ok, I was a friend's house watching movies."

The Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

The son says, "Toy Story," and the robot slaps him again.

"Fine," the son says, "I was watching porn.

The Dad replies, "What? I didn't even know what porn was at your age!"

The robot slaps the father.

The Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

[Umfriend]

ROFL. Reminds me of "Shame and Scandal in the Family".

[UtwigMU]

- If Donald wins it probably won't be the first time he's kicked a black family out of their home.

- How do you know you're really in poor health? When you receive an early Christmas card from your oncologist.

- What do women's soccer and Syria have in common? Nobody gives a shit.

- More than 4000 refugees entered the northernmost Balkan state of Slovenia, but only 7 applied for an asylum. That must really be a shitty country.

[UtwigMU]

One guy from my social circle posts these black humour jokes every month or so.

- Have you heard the Catholic Church now has its first gay official who is out? Actually, out twice. Out of the closet and out of church.

- What's the inappropriate thing to say to a terrorist on vacations? "Hope you are having a blast".

- A man drowned in his trailer. He must have spilled an XXL McDonald's cup.

[UtwigMU]

- My boss was going on a tropical vacation and was worried about shark attacks. I told him not to worry as the sharks don't like pork.

- UN implemented new strict measures to fight rising sea levels. It's now absolutely forbidden to pee while swimming.

- How to get free food and housing? Fly to Syria and walk back.

- A friend asked me to babysit her blind daughter. The girl was completely disobedient. She only calmed down after I threatened to rearrange her room's furniture.

- I noticed a job ad in a newspaper that must have been tailored for Chinese. They were looking for a young person, under the age of 25, but with at least 20 years of work experience.

- How do you greet an American exchange student? With a few near-miss gun shots.

[UtwigMU]

Finland Män Not Like Smalltalk. Is Horror.

http://www.hs.fi/blogi/kuolemantanssi/a1305994842242?jako=bbcda35e20cc9b1952f8340fb553b99d&ref=og-url

Finland Män not kän underständ smalltalk. When kuud silense, samwan open mouth, silense destroid, why do tis?

One time Finland Män ko tu bar. Finland Män sit ät kounter, entshoi trink, look onli mopile phone. Is kuud silense.

Then kam womän nekst tu Finland Män. She äsk: “Do you kam hiör often?”

Finland Män pärälised. Is horror. Why she äsk tis? Is häv tu reäkt samhau?

Finland Män luuk onli mopile phone. Tsek emails. Kiip luuking mopile phone. Then änssör: “Why you äsk? Is you kondukting sam sörvey?”

Womän not say enitink. She ko öwei. Is kuud silense.

Finland Män not kän underständ smalltalk. Rememper eksämppel of Krändfather. When Krändfather kam päk from thö war, he say: “Soviet Union vin.” Nekst time Krändfather open mouth in Kristmös 1991. Krändfather wotsh televishön njews. Krändfather say: “Nau Soviet Union luus.”

One time Finland Män ko tu restorant pikos hunkry. Finland Män sit ät teipul, entshoi moose, luuk onli mopile phone. Is kuud silense.

Then kam waitter nekst tu Finland Män. He äsk: “Is everitink okei?”

Finland Män pärälised. Is horror. Why he äsk tis? Is häv tu reäkt samhau?

Finland Män luuk onli mopile phone. Tsek emails. Kiip luuking mopile phone. Then änssör: “Not is everitink okei. Ekonomi is proplem. Näshiönal produkt not krow.”

Waitter not say enitink. He ko öwei. Is kuud silense.

Finland Män not kän underständ smalltalk. Wörds is like karbon dioksid. Everipadi tudei put polluusshön in air. Is klimate tsheintsh.

One time Finland Män trävel in träm. Finland Män sit ölone, luuk onli mopile phone, is kuud silense.

Then Ämerikan turist män say loud: “Wonderful weather you have here!”

Finland Män pärälised. Is horror. Ämerikan turist män talk tu him. Why he say this? Is häv tu reäkt samhau?

Finland Män luuk onli mopile phone. Tsek emails. Kiip luuking mopile phone. Then änssör: “It will ket wörse.”

Finland Män ket out of träm. Wait for next tram, hopefuli no turist. Is kuud silense.

[UtwigMU]

- The "open door policy" is already paying off for Germany. They will save millions this Christmas season as their is no need to set up nativities. Their public parks are already full of stationary Middle-Eastern characters.

- They asked me if I live an active sex life. Thinking of all the active volcanoes that don't do it for centuries, I said "yes".

[Jammrock]

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?"