Fun thread of the week, with some erotica!!

[Jorden]

Dearest Holly,

In Dutch they're called "kleiner dan <" and "groter dan >" ... otherwise I'd call the arrows...

Jordje

[HollyBerri]

SCompRacer1, your guess is as good as any, and actually rather reasonable (if apropos of nothing)....

...and what does it all have to do with Volkswagen? (Isn't "Drivers wanted" their slogan?)

Nobody told me there was going to be a scavenger hunt...! I would have worn my sensible shoes!!

-------------------------
the once and future motub

[SteveC]

OK, you asked for it, the latest batch of jokes:

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been
sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it
anymo-mo-more! Can you he-he-help me?"
The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination
first, but in some cases there is a cure." So the doctor puts the guy
through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your
stuttering."
The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor?"
"It's your penis. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large
penis - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain
on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."
The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do?"
"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."
"Do it!" the guy replies. So they go through the operation, and three weeks
later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you
solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only
had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my
new, shorter penis. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with
the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long
one back on."
The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal!"

* Good sport

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music
in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he looks over
through the streams of traffic ans he sees his girlfriend Sheila standing on
the side of the bridge looking down. It's pretty apparent that she's just
about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.
Bruce slammed on the brakes and his car screeches to a halt. he
bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're
doin babe'?"
Sheila turned around with tears welling up in her eyes and says,
"Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant and and I don't want to be a burden so
now I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce got a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car when he
heard this and says to her, "Sheila, not only are you a great ****, but
you're a good sport about it too!"


* British journalism bloopers

From The Guardian: 'After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds
overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll
to "Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to
close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance
by cheque, made out in his new name.'
From The Manchester Evening News: 'Police called to arrest a naked
man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he
produced a valid rail ticket.'
'Hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight
Watchers in
Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to "Hello, you fat
bastard"'
From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: 'Would the congregation please
note that the bowl at the back of the church, labelled "For The Sick", is
for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from
the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in
a poisoning case.'
From The Times: 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A
coast-guard spokesman commented: -This sort of thing is all too common these
days.'
From The Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds
to Save Prostitutes": '... the money will not be going directly into the
prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better
life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'
From The Derby Abbey Community News: 'We apologise for the error in
the last edition, in which we stated that "Mr. Fred Nicolme is a Defective
in the Police Force". This was a typographical error. We meant of course
that Mr.Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.'
From The Gloucester Citizen: 'A sex line caller complained to
Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement
entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her
husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in
Dorset refused to look into the complaint,saying, "He got what he
deserved."'


The Pope and the Queen
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out
of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to
do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and
says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not
just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

* Next!

A young woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a
beautiful girl. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to
shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut
up...you're next!"

* Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar
in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde
woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: I've heard just about
enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, ****ole. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes
have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching
my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ...
all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your
knee!"



------------------
Cheers,
Steve

My PC? Not that bad, got all sorts of crap in it, and all sorts of crap around it and my desk is also messy. Now what does that say about me? ;¬)

[tish]

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline. So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[HollyBerri]

good one, tish!

---------------------
the once and future motub

[Sprocket]

uhh! Okay- this is a matrox forum so I can understand the confusion- I was an owner of an ATi Rage128 graphics card (still am since no one likes to buy crappy hardware these days- go figure) and the problem with those cards is the lack of video drivers- there is stilll yet to be a final revision with the bug fixes almost 6 months after its release. The drivers wanted logo was a parody and to represent video card drivers. I had a better reaction over at an ATi board though- when you have dealt with it I guess you understand it better. Thought I'd give it a shot here though.

[HollyBerri]

Just to be cruel, for all you Trekkers? Trekkies? anyway, for all you fellow Star Trek fans....
http://209.68.1.93/emotionp/singalong/kirk.html

Prepare yourself for the ultimate musical experience...

-------------------------
the once and future motub

[Jorden]

Want to check your site d/l speed??
Take the T1 connection on this site...
<A HREF="http://www.kimble.org" TARGET="_blank">Kimble</A>

Hate those ads??
<A HREF="http://www.adbusters.org/home/index.html" TARGET="_blank">Ads</A>

More strange things:
<A HREF="http://www.billboardliberation.com/" TARGET="_blank">Billboards</A>

For those of you who want to be on another forum when this one goes down:
<A HREF="http://www.engagementrings.com/forum/forum.html" TARGET="_blank">Non-Matrox forum </A>

Jorden


[This message has been edited by Jorden (edited 08-13-1999).]

[Nuno]

Heck, why not:

- Therapy -

A couple, both age 67, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,
then leave.

Finally the doctor asked,
"Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house."

"The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."


- Stand Up -

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


- The Driver -

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won
$5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat,
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said,
"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"

[tish]

wow wow WOW!

Jorden, that Kimble.org page RULED BUTTS with Internet Explorer 5.0, SurroundSound, 19" AG monitor and ISDN connection in Windows 2000!

I haven't seen anything like it

http://home.c2i.net/aka_mecha/visit/index.html
Have you seen anything like this?

Heehee ¦ )


Cheers,
Fish.