For our new forum site, a new fun thread.

[Brian R.]

One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch of the retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

[ALBPM]

Yup, this is just like the good old Forum. No whinners allowed on this thread.

My wife asked me to go to the video store and get a movie called "Scent of a Woman".

She hit me when I came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she said, "I wouldn't need a vibrator!"
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The Perfect Worker

1) Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5) finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10) classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13) executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read the odd-numbered lines only.
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This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse,
I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says,
"Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

Paul

[tish beta2]

Our Air Force Heroes...


Squawks
"Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.


(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words .

[Falken]

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the
older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom
they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered
all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to
meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found
the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian
to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not
fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to
witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out
of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the
mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

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P2 333@400
ASUS P2B Bios 1010
Mill G200 (no OC) 5.13 Bios 2.6
SB PCI64

[SteveC]

>Top 25 things a wife won't say:
>
>1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste
>2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
>3. I'm bored let's shave my pussy
>4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
>5. That was a great fart. Do another one
>6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house
>7. You're so sexy when you're hung over
>8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping
>9. Let's subscribe to the Playboy Channel
>10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
>11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out womens asses
>12. I'll be out painting the house
>13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to
>play on Saturdays too
>14. Honey...our new neighbours daughter is sunbathing again, come see
>15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
>16. No. No. I'll take the car to have the oil changed
>17. Your mother is way better than mine
>18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself
>a new set of golf clubs
>19. I understand fully....our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
>sake...
> 20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno flic, a sack of beer, a
>fewjoints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome
>21. Christ, not the ****ing mall again, let's go the new strip joint
>22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
>and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
>23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
>feedings.
>24. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust.
>25. I signed up for Yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for
you.


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Cheers,
Steve

[3rdStone]

more "if the os's ran the airlines":

OS/2 airlines - the plane takes off and lands on time but nobody notices.

he ducks and runs.

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'scuse me while I kiss the sky

[DuRaNgO]

hey Steve! I'm in the process of putting all 25 of those on audio tape so I can play it in my wife's ear after she falls asleep


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386sx-16, 2 MB ram, 340 MB harddrive, 12" monochrome monitor! (it really rocks on wolfenstein 3D)

[maxie]

- Do you know why they stopped making black computers?
- They noticed that they was 15% slower then the white ones.