JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[xortam]

Yeah, that last one was the topper.

[Liquid Snake]

HAHA, you guys are great!

[Electric Amish]

A priest, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,"What is this? The beginning of a joke?"



amish

[Strahd]

Originally posted by Electric Amish:
A priest, a Rabbi, and a Lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,"What is this? The beginning of a joke?"



amish

Quick, anyone have an animated GIF of a tomato????

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[Sisyfos]

A man contemplated getting married.
He had his sights on three women, but he couldn't decide which one to choose.
To test them he gave each 2000$.
First one used all on clothes.
Second one used half of them on clothes and put the rest on her bank account.
The third one put all of it on her bank account.

Q: Which one did he choose???

A: The one with the biggest tits.

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[Brian R.]

So there these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger. So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kinda messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. "Sheriff," he says, "terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them." Sheriff says, "What? You went ahead and buried them already? Are you *sure* they was dead?" Gravedigger says reluctantly, "Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie."

[The Rock]

You may be a redneck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

[Muad'Dib]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a gla.ss of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'.
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a gla.ss of water."


Dimitri

[superfly]

Here's mine:

A guy is walking along the beach,taking in the view,when suddenly,he accidentaly knocks over a brass lamp that was half buried in the sand.

He uses his shirt to clean it,when suddenly a genie pops out.

"I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES,BUT FOR EVERY WISH YOU GET,YOUR WIFE WILL GET TWICE AS MUCH" said the genie.

The guy was more than a little startled by this event,but after a couple of minutes,he was thinking about what he would wish for.

So for his first wish,the guy asks for 10 million dollars.

And the genie grants him his wish,and his wife gets twice as much.

The next thing the guy asks for is a mansion,a yacht and a sports car.

The genie gives him his second wish,and again,his wife gets double.

the guy goes back to his car,and get's a baseball bat he kept in the trunk.

The gives the bat to the genie and makes his final wish.

Genie,i want you to use that baseball bat and beat me half to death...LOL.

[Snake-Eyes]

Gotta keep the thread alive, hehe:

Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today
and I missed on the very first word."


"That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the
word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, lunkhead. You can't
even pronounce it correctly."

----------

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind
if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends
how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my
business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of
it."

----------

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he enters
the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted
him by ssaying,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

----------

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's
afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the
bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy
is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what
to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave
a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes
later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all
over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

----------

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large
trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires
and a couple of headlights".

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think
this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side
up".

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

----------

After spending fifteen sexually starved years in an asylum, an
inmate escapes.

The first female he runs across is a washer-woman hanging up
the institution's washing. He takes her and satisfies his urges
and dashes on to freedom.

The local newspaper ran the following headline:

"NUT SCREWS WASHER AND BOLTS"

----------

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant1.5
gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub upwith
milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts."

----------

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he
had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.

He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied
hard.

The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to
complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.

Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the
other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when
the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of
150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never
dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a
score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the
car engine.

I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine.

I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the
muffler."

---------

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to
the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving
her too."


That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"


Little Johnny jumped up and yelled "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"


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Ace

[Guru]

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.
The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."
The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.


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[xortam]

Do we still need more jokes? I could probably add to this thread endlessly. I've been forwarding jokes to a small group of friends for several years (and saved them all).

[Muad'Dib]

YES!

[Muad'Dib]

While yer at it, does anyone know of a website that will translate Arabic to English? Babelfish apperantly won't.... Thanks!

Dimitri

[xortam]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:-

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living, impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.