JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Guru]

Pickup Lines


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Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?

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Your dad must have been a farmer? (responds) why? because you got a great set of melons

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I'd eat the corn out of her shit.

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I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see the hole it came out of.

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(pick-up line when you want to have anal sex) Excuse me, but may I push your stool in? Just say, wanna ****? Nine out of ten times you will get slapped, but its that one time you don't that makes the world go round.-Knopper

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Just approach the woman, don't say anything and read the tag on the collar of her shirt. What she asks what the hell you are doing, just say "I'm checking to see if you're made in heaven."

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Did you know the odds we sleep together tonight are 1 in 2? (she asks why)- Well I'm willing.

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This only works if the girl is really drunk. You just walk up behind her tap her on the shoulder and say, "common lets go home".

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Let's go to my place and vacuum... You'll blow, and I'll empty the bag

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I'd drag my balls across a mile and a half of broken glass just to masterbates on your shadow.

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Nice legs what time do they open!!

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If you were a tear in my eye... I'd never cry, for fear that I'd lose you! by=Nick

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(Look into her eyes and say) Heaven has to check it's list because they have to be missing an angel. by=joe

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Do you know CPR? "Why?" Your so beautiful your giving me a heart attack! What's your name? "Why?" Because all I called you in my dreams last night was Angel! by=BC Boy

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Excuse me,do you have the time?She tell you.You say no,I mean the time to talk with you.=Gelli

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Excuse me but do you believe in pre-marital sex? No. Well I'm married, lets ****! by=Paul

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Motion for her to come over (with the come hither) When she comes over, say: I knew if I fingered you, you'd cum! By=Wiz

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Excuse me ma'am. Did you know that you look so good I would suck your daddy's dick? by=Mike

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Excuse me, you have the whitest teeth I've ever come (cum) across. by=Pair

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Here's one: "You look like my first wife." When they say, 'how many times have you been married', you say, " None yet " by=Jeremy

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I sure like the cover of your book, can I check out the pages in between. By=BG

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Go to the bar and pick up two cheries ..... Present the cheries and say, " Excuse me, but did you lose these?" by=EAN

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do you need a gardener? (no) can i trim your bush anyways? by=mondo

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I lost my teddybear, so will you spend the night with me? by=Ed T

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Walk up to girl and start rubbing her back When she asks what you are doing, answer, kind of disappointed: I thought angels had wings. by=Steve

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Is your daddy a theif? (Why?) Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. by=Bowlin

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Do you believe in love at first site, or do I have to walk by again? by=Dog

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Darlin' do you mess around? (she says no) Well, would you hold still while i do it? by=hot

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Mam' if beauty was a minute .... you would be an hour. by=Jim

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if beauty were light you would shine from a million miles away! by=Wewitt

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You'll be hearing from my lawyer (she says 'excuse me?') You just stole my heart. by=Freakshow

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Wait until she is about to leave then say excuse me miss you forgot something. (she says 'What?') You say.. Me! By=Luv

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Do you want to **** or do I owe you an appology? by=Impulsive.com

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Baby, you look finer than a new set of snow tires! Do you mind if I jurkoff on your tits? By=Sturgis

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Exuse me but are you any good at tutoring ? -no! will you tutor me at sex ed anyway -yes I'm a teacher!- will give me a corasspondence course in sex ed. by=Protical

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If I told you that you had a beautiful smile, you would probably think I was trying to pick you up. Well you do have a beautiful smile,...and I am trying to pick you up! by=Pirate

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Is that a mirror in your pocket, cauz i can see myself in your pants. by=Crow

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do you know the differance between a big mac and a blow job? no, what are you doing for lunch tomorrow? by=ziggy

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Would you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants! by=mike

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God must be crying right now (why?) cause he just lost a angel. by=sin

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Do you spit or swallow? by=sunfire

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[This line involves some body movement.] Call a woman over to you using your index finger in the come hither. When she comes over tell her "if I can make you come (cum) with one finger, imagine what I can do with ten!" by=kullback

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Lets stand toe to toe and get something straight between us! by=Nexusone

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Would you like to go out for a pizza and a ****..When she says no.You say whats the problem dont like pizza? by=Nike

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Place a drop of water on yourself and other. How about you and me get out of these wet clothes? by=Horndog

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Are your legs tired? Why? Because youve been runing through my mind all night. by=cookdude

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If your left leg was Christmas and your right leg was New Years. I want to see you between the holidays! by=Lawne

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That dress is very becoming on you, but if I was on you, I'd be cumming to! by=Dave

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Wanna sit down? Here let me clear off a spot for you to sit. (while wiping of your mouth with your hand) by=jim

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I heard you were a lesbian. If not, PROVE IT!! by=feebert

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"I don't care if Mike Tyson's your man, I'll kick his ass just to taste your sweet lips, you sexy mutha' ****a'!"
This results in two things,
1- The girl thinks you're so sweet she takes you home with her
2- she's so shocked you can confuse her into going home with you.
by=Phife

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I'm going to guess your sign--is it "slippery when wet? by=Dr. Who?

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let's play war, i'll lay down and you blow the **** out of me! by=darkenergy

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"Have you ever been kissed on thr navel? Yes! From the inside? by=AJ

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Wanna play kite? I'll be the kite and you can be the wind. Then blow me and see how high you can get me. by=Tim

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"My face leaves at eight... be on it." by=croley

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If I folowed you home would you keep me? by=Steve

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-Nice tit's what's your name
-You are so fine that i would make love to your shadow.
-You are so sweet that I would drink your bathwater. by=Glenn

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What do you say we do some math?? let's add you and me together, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!!! by=Ryan

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Hi there, do you live on a chicken farm? 'Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!! by=FickMan

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I'd like to take you to breakfast tomorrow morning...should I call you, or just nudge you? by=Larei

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(My personal favor from the movie "Tin Cup") I've spent all these years tring to get into women's pants... I just wish I knew how to get into their hearts. [Cheese, but it works] by=CasePMa

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Hi, my name is (your name), and you can tell me yours when you catch your breath.

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I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. By=MJ

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Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her i just met the girl of my dreams. By=coolman

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You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. By=zica

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Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? By=yo!

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Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. By=John

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The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. By=me

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My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. By=pamela

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Nice shoes. Wanna ****? ----my favorite! By=just do it!

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15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. By=PG

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If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? By=no

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**** me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? By=maybe

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Is it hot in here or is it just you? By=Dr. XXX

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Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!] By=bj

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. By=CoobJ

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How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? By=pornmam

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I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? By=usa

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Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I? By=toni

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Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wonderingif you'd mind if I fantasize about you? By=B.J.

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That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed... By=Creamer

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Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box that it came in? By=Stoodge

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Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick itoff? By=Andy

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Your face or mine? By=Jerk Off

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That's a nice dress, could I talk you out of it? By=Oliver Clozhoff

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Take off that dress and **** my brains out you cave newt! By=Bill R.

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Let's take a shower together, you smell. By=Al Brekurnek

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Do you want to see something swell? By=Al Depantsu

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I'd look good on you. By=Cave Man

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Excuse me, do you wanna **** or should I apologise? By=Ben D. Banana

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hey lets say we get a case of beer and ****........what you dont drink? By=Saizer

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A conversation over the phone...You have a voice that could talk a dog down from a meat truck! By=Al Knokerup

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Excuse me, I'd like to get between your legs and eat my way to your heart. By=Mr. Sicko

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Hi, are you wearing space underwear? 'cause your ass is out of this world. By=Mr. Sicko

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Excuse me, but I would like to know if you had a double batch for a snatch to match? By=Drk. eyebrow checker

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Hi, you look like you got some Polish in you. No? Do you want some? By=Me

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Would you like to dance?..No!?...Then I guess a blowjob is out of the question By=GW

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I was wondering If you wanted to order a pizza, then we can ****.. No? What, you don't like pizza? By=Xtreme

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Pardon me, do you sleep on your stomach? If not, can I? By=kevbabes

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Your beautiful, but you'd look alot better with my dick in your mouth! By=SKIN

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Sit on my face and i'll guess you weight By=ROCHEBR

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Think of a number between 1 and 10 - You lose - take all your clothes off !


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Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Muad'Dib]

Lost Dr. Suess Tongue-Twister:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat


Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each line, from the start.

<font size=-2>Still no one knows Arabic??? Or did I forget to ask?</font>

Dimitri

[Muad'Dib]

Let's give this a try!











I'm hopin this is gonna work!

[This message has been edited by Muad'Dib (edited 11 September 2000).]

[Muad'Dib]

A couple more....









Lemme see if I get this right the first time....

Dimitri

Damn, forgot the S in one of my pics... lol

[This message has been edited by Muad'Dib (edited 11 September 2000).]

[Guru]

I do not understand this? http://www.dirtyjokes.com/

------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Guru]

Virus Joke

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re -attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of your machine.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150
years.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by
C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the word "Potatoe"

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of
error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the
problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be the owner.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, powersupply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your
hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Guru]

You and Your Computer

You know it's time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....


1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go
to the bathroom and stop to check your email
on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful
empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug
on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an
additional year or two, just for the free
Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail
mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every
period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because
she doesn't have a computer.

8. Your email box shows "no new messages"
and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three
closest friends because they have nondescript
screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10.You move into a new house and you decide to
netscape before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh,
you just say "LOL, LOL."

13. After reading this message, you immediately
forward it to a friend!



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Snake-Eyes]

LOL. I like the last two.

------------------
Ace

[Snake-Eyes]

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move."

------------------
Ace

[Snake-Eyes]

Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bill said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Hillary replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

------------------
Ace

[Brian R.]

Guru scares me. I need a life.

[Snake-Eyes]

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "Sure. "

The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"

------------------
Ace

[Snake-Eyes]

A ventriliquist who could throw his voice anywhere he wanted saw a
shepherd on a hill with a dog, a mule, and a flock of sheep.

With all intentions of playing a joke he approached the shepard and asked,
" Hey mister does your dog talk?" the shepherd answered, " Hell no! Dogs
don't talk!"

The ventriliquist threw his voice to the dog and said, "Yes I do you son
of a bitch, all you do is kick me in the ass and you never feed me!"
Hearing this the shepherd said, " I'll be damned!" The ventriliquist then
asked," How about that mule over there, does he talk?"

The shepherd replied, "Hell no mules don't talk!" Upon this reply the
ventriliquist threw his voice towards the mule and said, "Yes I do you
bastard, all you do is burrow me down with weight, and pull my ears to get
me to move!" The shepherd was astounded saying, "I can't believe this
shit!"

Then the voice thrower asked, "How 'bout these sheep here, do they talk?"

The shepherd replied, "Yeah, but they're all a bunch of damn liars!"

----------

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today
that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their
newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the
nation's most distinguished men.

It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

----------

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm
getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of
having my ****ole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your
husband as a blonde!"

----------

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it; that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home
tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and
believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it. He went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
removed his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned
with pleasure, but after a little while the beers started to weigh heavily
on his bladder, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and
walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in,
he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake up my mother!"

----------

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at
the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if
she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I
don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

----------

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not
gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only
yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her
to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to
meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the
Catskills. And we know what that meant.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night
there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a
pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at
her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night
the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on
and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on
which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

----------

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I
must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"


"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking
account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language
in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the
manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, damnit!" the man says, "I just won
$50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard
time?"

----------

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel.

When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man
you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You
might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

----------

A man was driving home one evening and realized it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove
to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store
manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym'
for $19.95

... 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95

... and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00".

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are
$19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat,
Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

----------

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.


About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with
his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one
hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the cow.'"

----------

A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a
construction worker. They get into a conversation and the
man asks him what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to
live.

"Well, I haven't lived a very passionate life, so I suppose
I'd screw anything that moved." he answered. "What would
you do?"

"I'd stand perfectly still."

----------

Two guys were car pooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling
along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and
suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look,"
he shouted, "what are the those dogs doing? Fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before."

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.

His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty cool.Here's what
you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then
suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.

The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the
passenger asked, "Well, how did it go?"

The driver replied, "It was great. But it took me SIX margaritas just
to get her naked in the front yard!"

----------

A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6
class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on
the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male
students.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three
days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to
title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She
quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is
more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around
again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out
laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny
leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

----------

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of
golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking
around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a
rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a
reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allow-
ance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no
one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get
some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot
on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid
and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of under-
garments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allow-
ance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and
said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some
knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her
foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt
over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her
explanation to her irate husband was the same as the
others: Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a
bit."

----------

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a
parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the
bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid -
the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I
sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this
much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you
think kept bidding against you?"

------------------
Ace

[Snake-Eyes]

More:

The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.

Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."

----------

Resolving to surprise her husband, Hillary Clinton stopped by the Oval Office. She found Bill with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

------------------
Ace

[Brian R.]

Good jokes Ace

LOL