JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Guru]

Top 10 Ways to Insult Old People

#1: You tell them that you went to the museum, saw
dinosaur bones, and thought of them.

#2: For their birthday, you offer to help them
blow out the candles.

#3: On their birthday, you tell the fire
department that if they see a large fire, don't
water it down, because soggy cake is no good.

#4: Explain to them that the reason that no one
can see the Christmas tree is because you put on
every ornament that they got in their life.

#5: Ask them if they got Columbus' autograph.

#6: Tell them that the reason that they got no
birthday gifts was that everyone had to pitch in
to buy the candles.

#7: Ask them if the Disney hit Hercules is telling
the truth.

#8: Ask them in what order God REALLY made the
Earth.

#9: Ask them if they helped God write the Bible.

#10: Ask them if they personally knew Adam and
Eve.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Guru]

Signs That You are Too Drunk

Signs You are too Drunk

You loose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from
falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol
stream.

Career won't progress beyong Senator from
Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the
toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food
group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-
coincidence? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a
drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were
in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a
burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in
the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine,
Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your
roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of
glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads
when they walk past you.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the
middle of the night.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Guru]

Women's 50 Rules for Men

1.Call.
2.Don’t lie.
3.Never tape any of her body parts together.
4.If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5.If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules, “no petting.”
6.The correct answer to, “Do I look fat?” is never, ever yes.
7.Ditto for, “Is she prettier then me.”
8.Victoria’s secret is good. Frederick’s of hollywood is bad.
9.Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10.Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11.“Honey,” “Darling,” and “Sweetheart,” are good. “Nag,” "Lardass,” and, “Bitch” are bad.
12.Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13.A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14.None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15.Her cooking is excellent - so tell her.
16.But that isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17.Dish soap is your friend.
18.Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19.Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20.Answering, “Who was that on the phone,” with, “Nobody,” is never going to end that conversation.
21.Ditto for, “Whose lipstick is this?”
22.Two words - clean socks.
23.Believe it or not - you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
24.Burping is not sexy.
25.You’re wrong!
26.You’re sorry!
27.She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28.Ditto for your discourse on football.
29.Ditto for your abilty to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30.“Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together", is bad.
31.Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32.Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
33.No means no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything. She feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34.“But we kiss,...”Is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
35.Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36.Chivalry and feminism are not mutually exclusive.
37.Pick her up at the airport - don’t whine - just do it.
38.If you want to break up with her - break up with her. Don’t act like a complete ass until she does it for you.
39.Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
40.Tell you love her if you do - often.
41.Always suck up to her brother.
42.Think boxers.
43.Silk boxers.
44.Remeber Valentine’s Day and any, “cheesy” anniversary sheso-names.
45.Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
46.Her haircut is never bad.
47.Don’t let your friends pick on her.
48.Call.
49.Don’t lie.
50.Alright so the rules are never fair. If all you guys out there just followed these simple rules - then maybe we could all just get along.


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[Guru]

How to Tell If You're Ready to Have Children

THE MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

THE TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a sleeping child.)

THE DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

THE FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

THE NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your front under your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

THE PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drugstore. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run rampant. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you have all the answers


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

[xortam]

This joke sounds like some of our threads ...


Subject: If there were computers in 1776

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen....

[Brian R.]

How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

Attila the Hun: One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night. In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning. --------------------

Tycho Brahe: An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time. In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days. --------------------

Horace Wells: Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s.

How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide. While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor. --------------------

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman,a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.

How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.--------------------

Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.

How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired. --------------------

Aeschylus: A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.

How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.--------------------

Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.

How he died: A heart attack....while jogging. Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.-----

And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers,who wrote music for the king of France. While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.

[Brian R.]

Dogs vs Men

Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
5. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
6. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
7. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
9. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
10. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
11. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
12. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
13. You can train a dog.
14. Dogs are easy to buy for.
15. Dogs are good with kids.
16. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
17. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
18. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
20. Dogs understand what "no" means.
21. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
22. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
23. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
24. Dogs do not read at the table.
25. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
26. You can house train a dog.
27. You can force a dog to take a bath.
28. Dogs don't correct your stories.
29. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
30. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
31. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
32. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
33. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
34. Dogs admit it when they're lost.
35. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
36. Dogs look at your eyes.
37. Dogs like your size.
38. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
39. Dogs take care of their own needs.
40. Dogs are color blind.
41. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
42. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
43. Dogs are nice to your relatives.
44. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
11. Neither does any dishes.
12. Both fart shamelessly.
13. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
14. Both like dominance games.
15. Both are suspicious of the postman.
16. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
17. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Why Men Are Better Than Dogs

1. Men only have two feet that track in mud.
2. Men can buy you presents.
3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
4. Men are a little bit more subtle.
5. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
6. Men open their own cans.
7. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
8. Men can do math stuff.
9. Holiday Inns accept men.

[Brian R.]

Men's Rules for Women:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want
to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

[xortam]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating,"her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden!"

[ALBPM]

How To Impress a Client

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important
client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to
him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Craig" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Craig, what's happening?"

To which I replied "**** off Gates, I'm in a meeting"


Paul

[Muad'Dib]

AWESOME! Those last couple are GREAT! Maria wasn't having any of those Mens rules for Women when I tried to implement them though.... lol

Ok, I'm at CSUN now (new school for those of you who don't know I've transfered) and I have all sorts of GREAT bandwidth while I'm here, so I'm going to try to upload a sound file which is HILARIOUS! A friend emailed it to my dad the other day and I have it on disk, but I don't know if I'll be able to transfer it from here. I'll try as soon as I walk back to the parking lot to get my books....

It's a little over 1/2 a meg. Also, what is the code for linking to it? I don't imagine it's too different than linking images, but it HAS to have some sort of differences. Tell me so I don't struggle my life away over that.... Thanks!

Dimitri

[Muad'Dib]

Sorry, double post....

[This message has been edited by Muad'Dib (edited 21 September 2000).]

[ayoub_ibrahim]

Kruzin asking for people to submit "oh no" posts!!!!!

[Joel]

I guess I should have been monitoring this thread a little more closely. Some of these, so called, jokes IMO are in very poor taste. Some of them even contain language that I feel is very inappropriate on a public forum. I will ask you all at this to please tone it down. If you must submit jokes of the type mentioned then I ask that you do so via ICQ or e-mail but please no more on the forum.

Joel

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 22 September 2000).]

[Kaj]

Originally posted by Joel:
I guess I should have been monitoring this thread a little more closely. Some of these, so called, jokes IMO are in very poor taste.

Well, that's a matter of taste, I think.
Surely, some jokes are better than others, but I think that you're exaggerating right now...