JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[ALBPM]

If you Love something set it free?


There may be some truth in this.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be.

But...

If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

[Sisyfos]

Q: What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

A: The tyre is a Firestone and the 365 used condoms is a Goodyear.

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[Muad'Dib]

> > > Subject: A great day in the country
> > >
> > > Two men camping in the mountains had spent four
> days together, and they
> > > were getting a little testy. One morning, the
> first friend says, "You
> > > know, we're starting to get on each other's
> nerves. Why don't we split
> up
> > > today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking
> around, you hike south
> > > and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have
> dinner and share our
> > > experiences over the campfire." The second
> friend agrees and hikes
> south.
> > > The first man hikes north.
> > > That night over dinner, the first man tells his
> story.
> > > "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I
> followed a stream up into a
> > > canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal
> clear mountain lake. As I
> > > sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink
> from the stream. The
> > > wildflowers were filled with butterflies and
> hawks floated all day
> > > overhead. How was your day?"
> > > The second friend says, "I went south and ran
> across a set of railroad
> > > tracks. I followed them until I came across a
> beautiful young woman tied
> > > to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently
> lifted her off the tracks,
> and
> > > we had sex in every imaginable way all
> afternoon. Finally, when I was so
> > > tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
> > > "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was
> MUCH better than mine.
> Did
> > > you get a blow job, too?"
> > > "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I
> couldn't find her head."


My uncle just emailed this too me....

Dimitri

[ALBPM]

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet
brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[ALBPM]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his
home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife
in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted, "Don't do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"

The cabby smiled, and said, "I'd cover him up before he catches cold."

[DuRaNgO]

Intel is getting into feminine hygene:


jim

[Snake-Eyes]

Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there’s gonna be blood shed fer sure!"

Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."

----------

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War.

She noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands.

After the war, she returned to Kuwait and observed that now, the men were walking several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman, tersely: "Land mines."

------------

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well.

One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear?"

There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

-------------

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

---------------

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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Ace

[Muad'Dib]

So I'm sitting with Maria eating ice cream when this guy walked into our ice cream parlor with his son and orders himself an ice cream. He turns to his son and says, "Hey FATHEAD! What do you want?" As you can imagine, we were all a bit shocked at this. I went up to him and said, "Ummm, sir, why do you call your son that!?! That's kind of fu*ked up...."

"Well, see there are 3 things I wanted in life. A BIG ASS truck - you see that HUGE truck out there (pointing through the windows)? It's mine. The second thing I wanted was a BIG ASS house. I have one of those out in the country where no one can bother me. The final thing I wanted was a tight p*ssy. I had that until he (pointing to his son) came along....

Dimitri

[Snake-Eyes]

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW

IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your

email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a

feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved

one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your

lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,

just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you

landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS

ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

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Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.

Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"



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Ace

[Joel]

This may not be an actual joke but I found it funny none the less.

I'm selling my car, the description and photo are below.

Newfoundland Car for Sale

1985 Blue VW Golf. Only 15 km

Only used 1st gear and reverse, never driven hard.

Original tires, brakes, fuel and oil.


www.wta.cx/images/posts/posters/car.jpg

[ALBPM]

SUCCESS IS...

At age 4.....success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12....success is...having friends.

At age 16....success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20....success is...having sex.

At age 35....success is...having money.

At age 50....success is...having money.

At age 60....success is...having sex.

At age 70....success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75....success is...having friends.

At age 80....success is...not peeing in your pants.

[Dilitante1]

for all of you (like me) having issues with your ISP:

Top 10 signs your ISP is in over its head

10. It thinks X2 is a movie rating.

9. And it thinks ISDN is a 24-hour cable sports channel.

8. Instead of sending an instruction manual, it sends a guy to live with you for a week.

7. The Modem Type in the cofiguration box lists 300 baud and "other".

6. Everytime you call tech support, you get "Tiffany", who asks you for your credit card number up front.

5. Connection contracts expire whenever a comet passes near the Earth.

4. Ultrafast fiber-optic cable modem? Two cans and 80 miles of twine.

3. When you dial in you hear, "Hi my name is Duane and I'll be your server today..."

2. The promotional software media is on punchcards.

1. The entire system shuts down each night after dinner, while Kevin does his homework.





------------------
"I've always followed my father's advice: He told me, first to always keep my word. And second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. So, if I have insulted you, you can be damned sure I intended to."
(John Wayne)

[Snake-Eyes]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN ...

a.. You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.

b.. You get winded playing checkers.

c.. You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you
need oxygen after blowing them out.

d.. You order Geritol on the rocks.

e.. You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.

f.. You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.

g.. You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.

h.. Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute gal goes by.

i.. The only whistles you get are from a tea kettle.

j.. A fortune-teller wants to read your face.

k.. You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it.

l.. You pray for a good prune-juice harvest.

m.. Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

n.. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

o.. Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.

p.. You look forward to a dull evening.

q.. You join a health club and never go.

r.. You need your glasses to find your glasses.

s.. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

t.. Your knees buckle,
but your belt won't.

u.. You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine
chest.

v.. <font size="+2">YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT</font>



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Ace

[Himself]

Joel,

Don't know where that's located, but Newfoundland is around the size of Texas.

[Joel]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being
payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire
weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire
paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he
was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to
him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two
or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.