Guru's new fun thread...

[ALBPM]

I'll not stand in the way of a determined Scotchman...

Paul

[ALBPM]

That right!! It's Greebes turn to watch Guru this week....LOL

Pauly

[Guru]

Now it's my ****ing time if you dont ****ing like dirty language don't read this and **** YOU if you are going to complain about this!!!!!!!!!! If you don't like me posting in here I supose you wn't me to post the same jokes in another topic!!!!! Shut up +++++(you now who I mean!!!)

Three men go into a whore house. The first one goes up to a hooker and says "What can I get for $100?" The hooker motions for him to follow her into a room. For the next half hour the other two men hear a fair amount of "Ooohing" and "Ahhing"...When he comes out, the men ask what she did to him. He tells them that she put chocolate ice cream on his dick and sucked it off. The second man pays $1000 and goes in the room with the hooker...He comes out half an hour later and tells the other two men that she put chocolate ice ceam, caramel, and whooped cream on it and sucked it off. So the third man goes in with $10 000. The men hear sounds from the room. Moaning and groaning and then they hear a loud yell coming from the man. He comes out holding onto his crotch and says in agony, "She put on ice cream and syrop and whooped cream and a cherry on top. It looked so good I decided to have a bite myself!"

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Bill Clinton might be moving. With him he is bringing a lot of stuff which he calls memorabillia, but everyone else calls it evindence.
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Three men walk into a bar and sit down at the counter. The first thing that the bartender tells them is not to go into the back room, it is forbidden! Naturally, as soon as the bartender leaves, one of then men goes into the room. He sees a really hot, big-breasted woman in there and hundreds of penises all oveer the walls. She walks up to him and grabs him by the nuts and asks him what his father did for a living. He tells her that he was a meat grinder....so she pulls out a meat ginder and grinds up his dick....he runs out screaming. The second man goes in the room and the same thing happens, except he says, "My father was a butcher." So she chops it off and he runs out screaming. Then the third man goes in and once again the same thing happens. But when she asks what his father did, he says, "He was a lolypop tester, so get down and start suckin'!!!!"


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One day a vasaline salesman was driving down a long dirt road when he ran out of oil for the engine. He sat of a while when thought that maybe some vasaline would work as oil for a bit to get him to a gas station. It did work, but it only brought him to a farm house, where he stopped. Meanwhile, inside the house, a farmer, his wife and his daughter were argueing over who was gonnan do the dishes. The farmer said, "I provide for this family, so I ain't doin' 'em!" The wife said, "I made supper, so I ain't doing 'em!" And the daughter said, "I always do the dishes, so I ain't doin' 'em!" Finally the agreed that they would lie naked on the floor and the first person to talk does the dishes. Then the vasaline salesman comes to the door to ask if he may use their phone. He knocks a few times, but there is not answer. He tries the knob and the door opens, so he enters. Ignoring the site on the floor, he walks around the house looking for a phone, but can't find one. He asks the family as they lie on the floor, but receives not answer. The decides to do the daughter and wife a few times. While he does this, he hopes that maybe they have some vasaline so he can use it as oil, so he finishes screwing the wife and asks the farmer if he has any vasaline, and then the father gets up and says, "I'm doing the dishes!!!"

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."


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A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates. an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long. indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" .the old man replies "i'm sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate.oh no sir says the kid,it was by minding his own ****ing business!


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An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He Figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)


The Ventriloquist gestures at the field behind him.: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)


The Ventriloquist gestures again.: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a bloody liar"


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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the 'street'."

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A bloke has a new sportscar and takes his girlie out for a drive. She says that if he gets up to 200 km/h she'll take all her clothes off. So he puts his foot down and gets to 200 km/h and she takes all her Clothes off! Anyway, this distracts him and he crashes the car. She gets Thrown clear but he's trapped. So he shouts "Get some help" and she says "But I'm naked!" So he chucks her his shoe and tells her to use that to cover herself up. She puts it over her crotch and off she goes to a garage, and says to the guy behind the counter "Help, my boyfriend's stuck!" He looks at the shoe and says "Sorry, he's in too far, there's nothing I can do."
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A man has just had a triple by-pass heart operation, he takes his Drip and crosses the road to the local. After 13 double whiskeys the ill man turns to the bar maid and says "I shouldn't of had those with what I've got" "Why?" Asks the bar-maid "What have you got?" noticing the drip......"10 pence!" replies the man.........

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Two guys exploring unmapped parts of the rain forests come across a hidden cave. Inside the cave they find a twenty foot tall, stone idol. Looking up they could see a huge diamond mounted in his forehead, and so one of them climbs up and is just about to prise it out with his knife, when a voice booms out "If you want that diamond, you're gonna have to **** me first" Almost shitting himself he scuttles back down to his mate, who being a little braver, climbs up and draws his knife. Again a voice booms out "If you want that diamond, you're gonna have to **** me first" He too bottles out and returns to his pal and asks what to do next. "No worries", his pal replies "send for John, he's an idol ****er!"


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St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a Group of forty scousers. St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all and goes off to ask God him which ones he should let in. "Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven !!" says God. Ten minutes later Peter comes back to God,"They're gone !!" he exclaims. "What, all forty ??" says God. "Not the scousers" says Peter "The ****in' gates....!!"
hr> There was a mad French fighter pilot named Piere, and he had a girlfriend. One day Piere took his girlfriend for a picnic, they had a beautiful spread, and the wine was flowing. When they had finished the picnic Piere's girlfriend Sue said, "Piere, kiss me". So Piere poured a glass of wine, threw it on her face and kissed her. Sue stopped him and asked what was with throwing wine over her before he kissed her. Piere said, "I am a mad French fighter pilot, and I always have a glass Of wine with my white meat". Fair enough thought Sue and they carried On kissing. Sue then took of her top off and told Piere to kiss her chest, again he poured a glass of wine over her breasts and started to kiss them. "Stop Piere, what are you doing?", said Sue. Piere replied,"I am a mad french Fighter pilot and I always have a glass of wine when I have white meat", O.K. thought Sue, and they started kissing again (Can you tell where this is leading!!). Sue then started to take her trousers off, as she slipped her knickers off she said,"Piere go down on me"!!! Piere took a bottle of brandy out of the picnic basket and poured it into Sue's lap, and then he lit it! " ****ing hell, what are you doing? " shouted Sue. Piere replied calmly: "WHEN I GO DOWN I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!!!!!!!!"

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A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


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One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Superman: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!" Spidey: "No can do, Superman. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Superman: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!" Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but my ass sure hurts like hell."


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A man walks into a bar, and at the counter sits another man drinking. Soon these two men start to chat and they both agree that lifes a bitch, so they decide to go to the roof of this 90 story building and jump off. The first man takes the plunge but three feet above the ground he yells : "NO, I won't die", and he starts flapping his arms and flies back to the roof, the other man is breathtaken, he can't believe his eyes. " How did you do that" he asks the first man. "Easy" he replies, "You just flap your arms, it's so easy that even you can do it". He is not convinced, so the first man does it again. Three feet from the ground he starts flapping his arms and returns safely to the roof. The second man is now convinced, he jumps, falls and three feet above the ground he starts flapping his arms and ....... SPLAT. The first man returns to the bar, and sits down. The bartender approaches and says : " You are so mean when you're drunk Superman.


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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town! "Where's the god dam, mother ****ing Manager you cock sucking arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can". The manager comes over and the bloke asks, " Are you the chicken ****ing, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "**** off" replies the bloke "and where's the ****ing piano?" "Pardon ?" says the manager. "****ing deaf as well, are we? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano" "Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?". "Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb. What's it called?" "I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob," replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called ?" asks the manager. "As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little `G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! (get the picture). Any way its too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to `wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice "Where's that bastard pianist ?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jissum on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it ? I ****ing wrote it"


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A man crashes in a ship wreck and ends up on an island with no one but a pig and a monkey. There is enough plant life on the island to keep him alive for quite a while. After a couple of months be begins to miss having sex, so decides to **** the pig since it is female. But when he tries, the dog barks at him cause the dog is using the pig. After a week of trying to have sex with the pig there is a big storm, so he goes to the shore to see what is washed up and then a beautiful naked woman walks out of the water because her ship crashed, and she was BEAUTIFUL, with all the right measurements. So she walks up to the man and says, "Can I do ANYTHING for you??" And he says, "Yeah, hold off the dog!"


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A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?" "That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you ****ole?!"


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A California man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he put, "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion". On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****ing discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."


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What A Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"


What A Man Hears:


blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

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Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

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Q:How many blonds dose it take to screw in a lightbulb
A:One, she just holds it, and the world revolves around her.
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Q:Why did God invent alcohol?
A:To prevent the Irish from ruling the world

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There was a red head, a blond, and a brunet running from the cops, and they come across an old abandon house. They run inside, and the brunette sees 3 burlap sacks. She picks it up and puts it on over her head, huddles in the corner, and says meow, meow, meow. So the cops come in the house and go up to the bag, and kicked it, and say "it must be a bag of kittens", and the move on. The red head grabs another one of the sacks pulls it over her head, huddles in the corner, and says woof, woof, woof. The cops walk buy, and shine the flashlight on them, kicked the bag, and say "it must be a bag of puppies." They move on. The blond grabs the last sack, puts it over her head, and huddles in the corner. She starts saying potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.


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A man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Another man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Another man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Another man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Another man walks into a bar, and gets a beer.


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A man walks up to the bartender in a bar, and says "I bet you $50 that if you slide a glass across the bar counter, as fast as you can. I can pee into that glass without missing a drop." The bartender agrees, and dose it. The man pees ALL over the bar, and the tender says "I'm sorry, but you owe me $50." The guy says "That's OK I just bet the guy over there $100 that I could pee all over your bar, and not get in trouble."


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There is a guy walking on the beach, and he finds a bottle. He picks it up, and polishes it off. A genie comes out, and says " I will give you 3 wishes, but everything you wish for your mother in law gets double." So the man says "OK then I want $1,000,000,000." So poof he has $1,000,000,000 dollars, but his mother in law gets $2,000,000,000. He then says. "I want a HUGE house in the hamptins, and poof he dose, but his mother in law gets two. The man says "And finally, I want 4 men to beat me half to death."
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There was a blond, and a brunet walking through the woods, and they come across some tracks. The blond said "they are deer tracks", but the brunet said "they are bear tracks." The blond said "NO I went hunting with my dad, and I can tell you for sure that they are deer tracks." The brunet said "NO,NO,NO I went hunting with my brother, and I can tell you for sure that those are bear tracks." They kept on fighting, and a few minutes later a train came buy, and hit them. They were train tracks!!

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Q:What do you call a blond that dies her hair brown?
A:Artificial intelligence. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Guru]

Eating
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Mom: Hurry up and get the marshmallows!
Son: Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl? Mom: Shut up and flush.
Son: Mommy mommy, I hate you Mom: Shut up or I'll eat you.
Son: Mummy, mummy, please can I have a spoon? Mom: Yes of course dear. Why do you want the spoon? Son: Because Daddy's been sick, and the cat's getting all the big bits
Son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap. Mom: Shut up and keep eating.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator? Mom: Shut up and chew!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Mom: Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire! Mom: Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles? Mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder! Mom: Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers! Mom: Shut up and eat your french fries!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye! Mom: Shut up and eat around it.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked! Mom: Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Mom: Shut up and flush it like everyone else.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper! Mom: Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice! Mom: Shut up and drink it before it clots.
son: Mommy, Mommy! My egg tastes bad. mom: stop complaining! Just eat it! son: Mommy, Mommy! mom: What is it now! son: Do I have to eat the beak as well?
son: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men? mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
Son: Mommy Mommy, is this really the way to make meat pies? mom: Shut up and get back in the microwave.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise. mom: Shut up and eat around it!
son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs? mom: Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
son: Mummy, Mummy! I don't like grandma. mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa. mom: Well, just push him aside and eat your beans. (or) mom: Well okay , eat the beans instead ...
son: Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? mom: Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
son: Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner? mom: Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much. mom: All right, you can take another slice.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts. mom: Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis! mom: Shut up, and keep eating!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts. mom: Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup! mom: Keep quiet and eat what is on the table. (or) mom: Shut up. Do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit through a sieve?
son: Mommy, Mommy! I wanted to lick the bowl this time. mom: Shaddup and flush.
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like this spaghetti! mom: Shutup or I'll rip the veins outta yer other arm!!!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I HATE red and green spagetti! mom: Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
son: Mummy, Mummy! what's for dinner? mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.
son: Mommy, mommy! I don't want any more hamburger! mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.
son: Mommy, mommy! Daddy threw up all over the kitchen floor. mom: Just ignore him, son. son: But little sis is getting all of the BIG pieces!
son: Mommy, Mommy! are you sure this is the right way to cook Beijing Duck? mom: Shuddup and close the microwave oven door behind you!
son: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again? mom: Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
son: Mommy, Mommy! what's a vampire? (or) son: Mommy, Mommy! are we really vampires? mom: Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
son: Mommy Mommy! I'm not hungry anymore. mom: Shut up and finish your paint chips. (a city version)

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Reload
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running so fast? mom: Shut up, and shoot!
son: Mommy, mommy, why is everyone running away? mom: Shut up and reload.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away? mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!

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Digging
son: Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma! mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail. mom: Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon! mom: Shut up and close the coffin!
son: Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course? mom: Shut up and search the sand traps!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? mom: Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma? mom: Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale? mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to see daddy again. mom: Shut up and keep digging.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I want to play with Grandpa now! mom: Keep quiet, the coffin stays closed today!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can't we give Daddy a decent burial? mom: Shut up and keep flushing!
son: Mommy, mommy! I don't want to go to China. mom: Shut up and keep digging

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Swimming
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim! mom: Shut up or I'll flush it again!
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia. mom: Shut up son and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England. mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim? mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!
son: Mommy, mommy! how far is America? mom: Shut up and keep rowing.
son: Mommy, mommy, can I go swimming? mom: Shut up. You know iron lungs don't float!

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Run Over
son: Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller. mom: Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller. mom: Shut up and get the maple syrup.
son: Mommy, mommy, dad's been run over in the street!! mom: Don't make me laugh; you know my lips are chapped.

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Deliquant
son: Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child? mom: Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
son: Mommy, mommy, what is a deliquant child? mom: Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids? mom: Shut up and deal.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker. mom: Shaddup and deal.

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Leg
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere? mom: Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
son: Mummy, Mummy, Sally won't come skipping with me. mom: Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles! mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy, Why am I running around in circles? mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy Mommy! I'm getting dizzy! mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school? mom: Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Head
son: Mommy, Mommy! the kids next door are calling me a three headed dragon. mom: There, there, now don't you worry - three heads are better than one!
son: Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! mom: Shut up and get away from the dart board!
son: Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big. mom: Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big head? mom: Don't worry about them. Now take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miscellaneous
son: Mommy, Mommy, why is my head soaking wet and everything is spinning round and round? mom: Shut up or I'll flush again!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Am I done with my bath yet? mom: Shut up or I'll flush you down!
son: Mommy mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready ? mom: Shut up and spit ...
son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing. mom: Shut up and stop squirming.
son: Mommy, Mommy I don't want my hair braided. mom: Shut up and lift the other arm.
son: Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie? mom: Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf. son: But mommy, I haven't got any arms! mom: No arms, no cookie...
daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear. mom: Billy, let go of Susie's ear. mom: Billy! Let go of her ear! mom: All right Billy, give me the ear.
mom: Come upstairs, son, like a good boy. son: No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth? mom: Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street! mom: Shut up and step on the gas!
son: Mommy Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here. mom: Shut up or I'll flush it again.
son: Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa? mom: Shut up and get back in the box!
son: Mommy, Mommy I don't want to go to China! mom: Shut up and put your other foot in the CARE package!
son: Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey! mom: Shut up and comb your face!
son: Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf? mom: Shut up and comb your face!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet? mom: Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute. son: Can Granny take me? mom: Why? son: Her hand shakes.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out! mom: Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? mom: Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
son: Mommy, mommy, can I buy a new dress? mom: You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
son: Mommy!Mommy!Who will I stay with while you are gone? mom: Grandma Dear now get in the coffin.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now! mom: Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I'm 16.. mom: Shut up Albert....
son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a long nose? mom: You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't? mom: Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July? mom: Shut up, you know you have cancer.
son: Mommy, Mommy, don't push to the elevator shAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT!
son: Mommy, Mommy! What do you want with that ax....
son: Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe! mom: Good, it's working.
son: Mommy, Mommy! What am I gonna be when I grow up? mom: Nothing, dear. I have AIDS!
son: Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas? mom: Nope. You already have your wheelchair.
son: Mommy, mommy! I don't see what's so hot about watching tv! mom: Shut up and turn the damn thing on!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy just poisoned my kitten! mom: Never mind dear. Perhaps he had to do it. son: No he didn't, he promised me I could!
son: Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us? mom: Now you know your little brother has no arms and legs! son: Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is my hair so slimey? mom: Shut up, you little snot.
Go back Home

------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Jorden]

Hey Greebe !!! Your watch time isn't over yet

Go get 'it

Not-Paul...

[Guru]

Now shut the **** up if you have any complaints aout this one! (remember this is my own litke thread!)

The History Of Music


In the beginning there was silence. Then God whistled. He whistled one
whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and
also the musical scale. When God whistled, it wasn't the way we whistle.
It was a really big, really loud, perfectly toned whistle that moved at the
speed of light and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its
vibrations. And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was
good. And He said, "Damn, I like that tune."

So he put on his headphones and lay back and grooved on the sounds and
echoes of the universe ringing with feedback from the first solo. For
millions of eons, He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the
headphones, and said, "This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing."
But that was because He hadn't created anyone yet, and realizing this, He
said, "Let there be Negroes with funky souls who can shimmy and sway to my
sounds," and there were.

But the Negroes just couldn't get into the same old scale over and over, so
they said to God, "Hey, give us some one-four-five blues-type progressions
so we can get down," and He did. And it was good. And they jammed and
danced and sang naturally and with carefree abandon for millions and
millions of years.

Some of the Negroes, however, weren't into that scene. They preferred to
sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring
subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun.
Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color and
made them into white men.

As this peculiar sect of white Negroes developed, they gradually lost their
ability to dance and be free and natural with their bodies and they gave
birth to withered, colorless babies, many of whom grew up to be accountants,
lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians, and then it was 1950. God
looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too late, so He
created "rock" music.

And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the accountants, lawyers, real
estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties plucked their guitars, banged
on their tambourines, and wailed into the void and became the superstars of
the eighties. And God saw what He had created and put his headphones back
on and said, "**** it."


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[ALBPM]

Pace!! You can have the bugger for the next month if you'd like

Paul

[Guru]

Originally posted by Jorden:
Hey Greebe !!! Your watch time isn't over yet

Go get 'it

Not-Paul...

Get the **** out of here Jord as the topic says this if my topic so I don't "polute" the forum!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you have nothing nice to say SHUT THE **** UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Guru]

64 TV Axioms


1. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
2. Good guys are always outnumbered.
3. Good guys always win and get the girl.
4. Good guys are always good looking.
5. Good guys are the only ones with a sense of humor.
6. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
7. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
8. Good guys don't take drugs.
9. Heros wear clothes that dirt can't stick to.
10. Ugly people are always bad guys.
11. Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but they
will never stick around to see if it works.
12. The bad guy chickens out first.
13. The police are smart.
14. police never wait for back-up.
15. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted, especially when wearing dark
sunglasses.
16. All police killings are in self-defense.
17. Police chases must include a car going through a plate glass window.
18. Car wheels screech on any corner, even on dirt.
19. After being shot, there is always enough time to escape.
20. The chances of getting into an accident increases proportionally as the
car goes slower.
21. Burglar alarm system's connection box is on the outside wall.
22. Private detective work is glamorous.
23. Cars will explode in all accidents.
24. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
25. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
26. Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
27. High School students look thirty years old.
28. The suburbs are exciting.
29. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
30. All Chinese people know Karate.
31. Indians make good fodder.
32. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the
ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
33. Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
34. Nobody has time to watch TV.
35. Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.
36. Housework is never needed.
37. Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car
chases.
38. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
39. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will expain the entire plot.
40. The last 5 minutes will be stretched out for 20 minutes with
commercials.
41. In case of emergency, speak in cliches.
42. 95 pound women in tight skirts can throw around 300 pound muscle-bound
men.
43. Fist-fights don't result un bruises.
44. Helicopters are attracted to mountains.
45. No one ever mumbles, stutters, or says "um..."
46. People normally wake up in the morning with make-up on.
47. There are no really ugly women, only really ugly men.
48. If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
49. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a
maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
50. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
51. Everyone has a "dark" secret.
52. Haunted houses are never locked.
53. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
54. Rich people are unhappy.
55. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
56. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the
corner of their mouth.
57. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three of four days.
58. Midnight happens more than once in a monster movie.
59. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 minutes before sunset.
60. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone
that went into the dark cellar never came out.
61. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
62. Movies based on true stories are always made up.
63. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their home PC.
b) Computers know everything.
c) You must type frantically to keep a 3-D image moving on the screen.
64. In the end, all resource limitations are overruled.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Admiral]

Someone pass the popcorn

(or better yet, a cable modem or something, the TeamArena Demo is killing my dial-up)

[Guru]

Boring TV --- A Canadian View


Why not combine the casts of two boring TV shows and reduce the clutter on
your TV dial by an hour. Expand the idea across the schedules. Save us
time, them money and everyone a lot of trouble.

Very few shows -- even good ones -- last seven or eight years. It seems
pretty futile, doesn't it? So why not take shows which aren't doing very
well and try to make one decent show out of them? Or combine shows that are
just rip-offs of each other and eliminate the duplication.

My pitches for midseason replacements:

L.A. Hope's E.R.: Save you two hours a week, wouldn't it?

This Hour Has 60 Minutes: Hard-hitting news stories, touching interviews,
harrowing footage and Rick Mercer making fun of all of them. Things really
heat up during sweeps week, when Andy Rooney and Marg Delahuntey start a
torrid affair.

Maggie's Inquest: Faith Ford returns to her hometown -- a seedy area of
Vancouver -- where she catches up with old schoolmates and investigates
their deaths.

Donny & Kathie Lee: By having both Donny Osmond and Kathie Lee Gifford
telling boring stories on one channel makes it easier to keep flipping to
the new hit talk show Live with Regis & Marie.

Emily in the City: A young, turn-of-the-century Maritimes girl moves to New
York to work as a cartoonist. (From the producers of Dharma & Grace & Will
& Greg.)

Everybody's Mad About Raymond: The new Monday night series sees Paul and
Jamie and Ray and Debra, after their respective divorces, remarried to each
other's spouses and sharing a townhouse. Wouldn't you know it? All eight
of their wacky in-laws live across the street!

Law and NYPD -- Life On The Streets: Two more hours of spare time you can
put to a better purpose.

Cosby the Vampire Slayer: Try my garlic Jell-O, whoa-ho-ho-ho!

America's Most Wanted Say The Darndest Things: Also hosted by the Coz.

Star Trek: The Next Wave: Captain Merrill Stubing (William Shatner) guides
the crew of the Princess Enterprise from solar system to solar system,
patching up Klingon marriages and introducing single space beings
everywhere. Mr. Sulu, set a course for adventure...

Two Guys, A Girl and a Stargate: Oh, those nutty kids and their
intergalactic hijinks!

Sabrina, Texas Ranger: A brutal karate chop, a magical spell book and a
really huge crush on the school's star quarterback. When Sabrina, Texas
Ranger's hormones get going, watch out.

Touched By A Nanny: Fran Drescher, an agent of Beelzebub, travels around
shattering people's souls with her evil voice.

Felicity McBeal: A young law student pines over a guy she can't have while
looking sullen and walking down rainy streets in slow motion to a
soundtrack of popular music.

When Guinness Book of World Records Go Bad!: A horrifying new Fox special
for the whole family.

Just Shoot Jerry Springer: Well, one can hope.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[ALBPM]

Oh!! No!! Guru is off his Medication again

Paul

[DuRaNgO]

"Oh No!" Don't say "Oh No!"

[Guru]

Homer Simpson Quotes


Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the
dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
------
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or
lose... it's how drunk you get.
------
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never
try.
------
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I
managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
------
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
------
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a
sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
------
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how
to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
------
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.
Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV...
is.
------
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love,
and I won't be back for ten minutes!
------
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)
------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but
let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing
you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
------
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
------
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
------
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced
against all races.
------
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
------
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But
instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
------
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
------
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
------
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
------
(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I
present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please
give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
------
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became
deeply cynical.
------
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here
anyway.
------
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achille's heel, if you will.


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Guru]

Celebrity Answering Machines


I believe there is a strong link between an individual's answering machine
message and his personality. To test this theory, I called the machines of
several celebrities. Here is what I heard:

CLINT EASTWOOD: "This is a semi-automatic, cassette-loading, six-beep
answering machine. At a range of three feet it can blow your eardrum away.
You're probably wondering if it's got one beep left or if I've used my six.
Go ahead and talk if you feel lucky. Well, do you, PUNK?"

BARBARA WALTERS: "At the sound of the tone please tell me if you could be
an answering machine, what brand would you choose to be? I would also like
to know if you and your spouse sleep in the same bed together. Whatever
your answer is, please be wise, be good to us."

LARRY FLYNT: "&%$#*&!!! You make me so %#$&$# sick that I'll $#%^& your
@%&*& if you don't leave your &%@# name and #$!&% number at the %$&# sound
of the &*@#% beep!"

JOHN McENROE: "You call that a beep? Are you crazy? I didn't hear any
lousy beep! This machine won't beep for at least another 10 seconds! If
you don't answer me I won't play your message! Please leave your answer you
STUPID IDIOT!!!"

HOWARD COSELL: "I may have cast off my mortal coil in overtime but my
answering machine lives on with its inimitable running commentary. Anyway,
the big question facing us at the sound of the tone will be whether you
will leave a communicatory message of sufficient excitation to arouse the
auditory interest of your many fans or will you stoop once again to your
usual evasive obfuscation. We anxiously await what will be an indubitably
momentous decision."

G. GORDON LIDDY: "You better leave your name and number at the sound of the
tone or I'll break your legs and hold your hand over a flame. In any event,
I've tapped your phone line so I already know what you've said."

MR. T: "HEY FOOL! Yeah, I'm talking to you! I really pity you if you don't
leave a message at the sound of the tone. And if you give me any back talk,
I'm gonna whomp you upside your head so bad you won't ever feel like talking
again! All you'll feel is pain! YOU HEAR ME? PAIN!"

WOODY ALLEN: "Please leave a psychologically soothing message at the sound
of the tone because I can't handle any more hostility. My analyst's bills
are high enough already. I just lost one girlfriend because of answering
machines. We kept calling each other, but our prerecorded messages were
incompatible."

THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE: "Please leave your message on the
machine formerly known as 'answering' at the sound of the tone formerly
known as 'BEEP!'"


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!