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INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes >From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from Canada:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -----------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
who was visiting Texas from Canada:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -----------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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