Somebody Tell A Joke...

[Strahd]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-sized hangover and asks his wife, "What the heck happened?"

"As usual, you made an fool of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him!" answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work on Monday."


------------------

[Wulfman]

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break a window on any of those gorgeous homes, it'll cost us a fortune to repair!"

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."



So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."



"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."



The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind." "But what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into the wife's eyes. "How old are you and your husband"? "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.



"No way! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[SCompRacer]

A man comes across a lamp, picks it up and rubs it. Poof, a Genie appears.

The Genie says "Thank you for my release, master. I am the most patient, kindest and generous of all. I will grant you three wishes, but first you must tell me who you detest most of all in life."

The guy replies "Oh, that would be my Mother-In-Law."

The Genie says "You must purge yourself of this feeling. Then whatever you wish for, I will give her twice that what you wish for."

The guy says "OK, my first wish is to have a beautiful 40 room mansion."

The Genie waves his hands, there is a flash and they are standing in the most beautiful mansion you could ever imagine. The Genie says "Your Mother-In-Law now has an 80 room mansion even more spectacular."

The guy says "For my second wish, I would like a million dollars available to me at all times."

The Genie waves his hands and the room is full of cash! The guy reaches and picks up a bundle and poof, another appears to take it's place. The Genie says "Your Mother-In-Law now has two million dollars available at all times."

The guy ponders a bit and says "For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death!"

[SCompRacer]

Somebody Tell A Joke...

A mother and her little boy were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The little boy, who was looking out the window, turns to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer and didn't want to be bothered, so she told her little boy to go ask the nice flight attendant.

So the little boy goes to the flight attendant, tugs on her skirt and asks "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't your big airplanes have baby planes?

The flight attendant smiled and asked "Did your mother tell you to come ask me that?" The little boy nods his head and says "Yes."

So the flight attendant says "Tell your mother that our big planes don't have baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time."

[Guru]

Something for the forum FAQs!


Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it
came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his
girlfriend?
A. He wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole
weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a
bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and
showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and
a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's
a-gobblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention
of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have
no intention of driving

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last donut!

Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free pork.

Q. What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day
and Martin Luther King Day?
A. On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were
Irish.

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a
woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the
eighth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their ****ole and they
vapor-lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex:
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits
went.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

[Guru]

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him.

"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches.

Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!". The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy **** a chicken".

[Guru]

Hehe

RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW

1. Crying is blackmail.

2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Sunday = Sports

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

[Guru]

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK"? Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it!"


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex? A. A padded headboard.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white? A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest knockers? A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their ****ole and they vapor-lock.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two mothers-in-law.


Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They are hiring.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo".

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tues. and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row your Boat".

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...



Subject: NEW VIRUSES! ***BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer then emails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 30 GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expands back to 30 GB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS - Your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS- Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files and leaves... but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.


Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up


Someone please stop me!

Someday, a long time from now, President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it dope-smoking because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extra-marital relationships - but you can't call it adultery because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate - you can't call it bearing false witness because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter you don't have to 'abandon all hope,' just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

During the first week of marriage, two deaf people find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right breast once."

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my penis once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."


True Tech Support True Stories


1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

13. True story from a Novell NetWire Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is the Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

15. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Only in America...
Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office and a secretary in charge of defense.

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss the call we didn't want in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do 24 hour convenience stores have locks on the doors.

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...

Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
> Compliment her
> cuddle her
> kiss her
> caress her
> love her
> stroke her
> tease her
> comfort her
> protect her
> hug her
> hold her
> spend money on her
> wine & dine her
> buy things for her
> listen to her
> care for her
> stand by her
> support her
> Go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
> Show up naked
> Bring beer


A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

[Wulfman]

MCSE = Minesweeper Consultant & Solitair Expert

[Guru]

How You Can Tell When It's Going To Be A Rotten Day

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2.Your put your bra on backward & it fits better.

3.You call Suicide Prevention & they put you on hold.

4.You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5.Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6.You wake up to discover your waterbed broke & then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

7.Your blind date turns out to be your ex-
wife.

8.Your income tax check bounces.

9.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

10. Your wife says,"Good morning, Bill" & your name is George.


The Top 9 Signs It's Time to Retire From the Superhero Business

9. Your motion to install wheelchair ramps in the secret headquarters keeps getting shot down.

8. You just installed a warning alarm in the Batmobile to alert you when you've been driving for more than a mile with the turn signal on.

7. No matter how much you adjust it, your Spandex costume won't hide the fact that you're wearing Depends.

6. You can only manage one "up and away" and even that requires a few Viagra.

5. Your current source of angst is the way your sidekick's grandchildren are wrecking your lawn with their scooters.

4. In a 10-1 vote, the rest of the JLA has asked that you replace your bustierre and short shorts with something a little less revealing.

3. Rasping "I'm your worst nightmare, punk!" is WAY scarier when your bridge stays in place.

2. Your shrinking powers no longer have any effect on your prostate.

and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Retire From the Superhero Business...

wait for it...

1. Your new arch-enemy? Irregularity.


30 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with
you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in
it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the
deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
face while praising the deceased.

--------------------


Trouble Shooting at the Bar

Trouble-shooting Guide. The FAQs...
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth with bag.
SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there.
FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp.
ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer

BAD ENGLISH
No wonder English is so hard to learn…

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


TOP 10 REAL DUMBIES!

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Blue Iceberg (Screen) of Death
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed
him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a
tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying
the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran
into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I
got here.
I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking
a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf
course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the
Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to
find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,
"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new
cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I
invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only
crashed once."



[This message has been edited by Guru (edited 17 June 2001).]

[Strahd]

Joe is in a bar on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped.

A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!"

Joe looks around, smiles, winks at the guy and says coyly, "I think you're bragging bud, but I'll give you a fair go at it...

I'm game if you are..."

------------------

[mainframe]

A General came up on one soldier lying in a cot and said, "Well son, were you hit bad?" The soldier says, "No sir, I've got syphilis." The General replies, "How they treating it?" "Wire brush dipped in metho and rubbed into the affected part, Sir." "Is it working?" asks the General. "Oh yes, sir," came the reply. "And what's your ambition, when you're cured?" "To get back to the front with my mates," says the soldier.

The General goes up to the next soldier and repeats, "Well son, were you hit bad?" "No sir, I've got piles." "How they treating you?" "Wire brush dipped in metho and rubbed into the affected parts, sir" "Is it working?" "Yes sir." "And, what's your ambition, when you're cured?" "To get back with my mates and fight the enemy," says the soldier.

The General approaches the next soldier, who whispered that he had tonsillitis. "How they treating you boy?" says the general "Wire brush dipped in metho and rubbed down the affected part, sir" "Is it working?" "Yes sir" "And, what's your ambition?"

"Just for once, to get the brush before the other two."

[Jammrock]

A rather intoxicated blind man is sitting at a bar and yells out, "alright everyone, I'm going to tell a blonde joke."

Before he can start a man standing behind him taps him on the shoulder and says, "I'd be careful if I was you. The three men to your right are all 6'5" defensive linemen in the NFL, and they are all blonde. The three men to you left are all 6'7" pro wrestlers, and they are all blonde, too. Now are you still sure you want to tell a blonde joke?"

The blind man thinks it over for a second and replies, "naw...I don't want to explain it six times."



------------------
]@/\/\/\/\|Ø\0©|<

Athlon 650
256 MB PC133 CAS3 from Crucial
87 GB storage from WD & IBM
Matrox G400 (it's not dead yet!)
SB Live! the original full retail, still going strong
Klipsch ProMedia v.2-400, the PC speakers that goes BOOM!
Please email me if you would like to contribute to the "Jammrock needs new toys" fund.

[Wulfman]

Human Genome

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

The mystery is solved!

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the content begins as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/

/* Revision history:
*

* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/


/* Standard definitions
*/

#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/

#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"

#ifndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing/n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif


/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>


/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals

#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif

#ifdef FEMALE
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
Vagina *p;
#endif


/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

and so on...
Note that God programs in C, uses three-space tabs and /* */ style comments

[Alec]

As you all know, the world-class footballer Diego Maradona had some "problems" with drugs...


Here we go:

One day, Maradona got home and told his wife:
"Darling, I´ve got good news and bad news! The good one is that I left the drugs... the bad one is that I CAN´T REMEMBER WHERE!!!"