Hey, Lighten up

[THE_Editor]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple
> > > >decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
> > > >larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
> > > >and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
> > > >have any more children.
> > > >
> > > >The doctor told him that there was a procedure
> > > >called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but
> > > >that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said
> > > >the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in
> > > >Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
> ear
> > > >and
> > > >count to 10.
> > > >
> > > >The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> > > >smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting
> > > >a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
> > > >help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
> > > >
> > > >So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
> > > >a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
> > > >count:
> > > >
> > > >"1"
> > > >
> > > >"2"
> > > >
> > > >"3"
> > > >
> > > >"4"
> > > >
> > > >"5"
> > > >
> > > >At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
> > > >his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
> > > >
> > > >This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,
> > > >and West Virginia.

[THE_Editor]

Doctor's Visit

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

[THE_Editor]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?"
she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?". The husband
looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years
ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he
asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused,
the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car
making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife,
lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband
continued.............. "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail
for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied
softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and
said, "I would have gotten out today".

[THE_Editor]

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day while they were walking passed the hospital
swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He
sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly
jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool
and pulled John out. The medical director came to know
of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David
be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered
him to be OK. The doctor said, "We have good news and
bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to
discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since
you were able to jump in and save another patient you must
be mentally stable. The bad news is the patient whom
you saved, John, hung himself in the bathroom, and
died." David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung
him there to dry".

[THE_Editor]

A Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and
>
> she
> asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your
> body
> goes first?"
> Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands. "Why do you
> think it's your hands, Suzy?"
> Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
> front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
> "What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.
> Now, Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's
> your legs."
> The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
> Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
> "Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
> the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
> saying, "Oh God, I'm coming! If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd
> a lost her for sure."

[THE_Editor]

You've Got mail~
> A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde female neighbor,
> came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it
and
> then slammed it shut and ran straight into the house. A little later she
> came out again and went straight for the mailbox, opened it and slammed
it
> shut once more. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she
> came again marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed
> harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is
something
> wrong?" to which she replied,"there certainly is! My stupid computer
keeps
> saying YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[THE_Editor]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Fieldgoal,
I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he
strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
craps the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[THE_Editor]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
> >accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
> >waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they are
> >waiting, they begin to wonder, "Could they possibly get married in
> >Heaven?" When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't
> >know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and
> >he leaves. The couple sits and waits for an answer. It takes a couple of
> >months.
> >While they are waiting, they discuss whether or not they should get
> >married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't
> >work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" After yet another
> >month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he
> >informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the
> >couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?
> >Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his
> >clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.
> >"OH, C'MON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
> >up
> >here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[THE_Editor]

GEOGRAPHY
OF A WOMAN:



Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade---especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by the past mistakes. Reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


GEOGRAPHY

OF A MAN:

Between 15 and 75, a man is like Iraq---ruled by a dick.

[buck fusby]

yo dude

im here (stop nicking all my jokes!!!!)

[THE_Editor]

Hi Bro.

Your first post.. No longer a girly, girly, virgin !!

[THE_Editor]

Geof.. DONT click on the "New Murc Game" topic...

Unless you dont mind long downloads !!

Its a Kewl Picture association thread.

Probably take you a while to display all the images on your ISDN connection.

(Paul rubs it in)

[Dilitante1]

a "twist" for all of you =P

this must be one of those very very rare 'smart blonde' jokes!.....

I dare anyone to try this!

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the
owner.

Woman: I suppose the lying jerk told you I was speeding, too.

[Paddy]

LOL