New Jokes Thread

[Umfriend]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I wonder whether SD stands any chance of getting this one

[Guru]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

[Tjalfe]

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law; gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed or some variant

One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose

(2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then No. 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A".

[GNEP]

Haha that last one is fantastic tjalfe

[Guru]

[TransformX]

Now I wonder, is the Temp forum exothermic or endothermic ?

[GuchiGuh]

its quasi-static man

[VJ]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."


"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"


"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be," she said.


"Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.


"Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


"Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.


"Husband No. 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.


"Husband No. 6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.


"Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.


"Husband No. 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.


"Husband No. 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.


"Husband No. 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. .....God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" said the bride.


"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"


"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

[GuchiGuh]

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA

[Jammrock]

ROFL!!!

[Tjalfe]

One day, while cleaning her son's room, a mother found a bondage S&M
magazine in the closet.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until her husband got
home, and showed it to him when he arrived.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She asked him,
"What should we do about this?"
The father looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[Guru]

MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director?" said his wife.

WORST DAY
For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's drink and gulped it down. The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the truck driver said. "I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one." "No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting fired. When I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk 10 miles to get home. Then I walked in and found my wife with another man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison!"

INTELLIGENT ORGAN
Q: What is the most intelligent organ in a woman's body?
A: A penis.

JUST A WARNING
A driver was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says, "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll make this a warning." "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy, it's a car," said the driver. "Sure, but what kind of car? Is it a Ford, a Toyota? Is it a Volkswagen?" says the policeman, and continues to write the ticket. "Wait, give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance. If you get it wrong, you get the ticket. Now, you're driving at night, and one light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy," says the driver. "It's a motorcycle!" The cop says, "Sure, but what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Yamaha? A Harley?" "How should I know?" yells the driver. "Sorry, I've got to write the ticket!" responds the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question, too, then." "Go ahead," said the officer. "You see a bare-breasted woman standing at the curb, bargaining with clients at the side of the road, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!" "Sure," said the driver, "but is it your mother, your sister, your daughter?"

HOW CAN YOU TELL
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.

THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No, I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out one thousand dollars, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row because of the high price. Again, the man pulled out a thousand dollars, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night, the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had stopped in for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

TAX FORMS
Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.

COULDN'T WIN
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

POKER DOG
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Every time he gets a good hand, his tail wags."

GUILTY
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

STATE-OF-THE-ART WATCH
A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asks. "Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear." The man explains, "Damn, this thing must be an hour fast."

SENILE
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

DEGREE
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied. "Oh, yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in agriculture from Louisiana State University so I know all about it." "Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek." The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."

GYNECOLOGISTS
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands.

LATEX GLOVES
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he kidded, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. The older woman said, "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

[Sasq]

Never Lie to your mum

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner.



During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye.



Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"



Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."



So he sat down and wrote:



"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.



But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian"



Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:



"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now





Love, Mom"

[GuchiGuh]

AHHAHAHAHAAHAH !!! ^^b awe-some!!!