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coupla jokes
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel from a car sticking out the fly of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey! You've got a steering wheel stuck in your pants!"
The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."
A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
The English Language (especially for SpiralDragon
)
I take it that you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird;
And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead.
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and treat;
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother;
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and cord and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other I’ll man the guns, you drive
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Double-check your URL,
As we all have heard before.
You ask for an invalid filename,
And I respond, "404."
Perhaps you made a typo --
Your fingers may be sore --
But until you type it right,
You'll only get 404.
Maybe you followed a bad link,
Surfing a foreign shore;
You'll just have to tell that author
About this 404.
Remember Poe, insane with longing
For his tragically lost Lenore.
Instead, you quest for files.
Quoth the Raven, "404!"
(Be glad I'm not an old mainframe
That might just dump its core,
Because then you'd get a ten-meg file
Instead of this silly 404.)
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry "and have been most of my life."
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A man walked into a doctor's offce. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a bannana in his right ear. "Doc, what's wrong with me?", he asked.
"That's easy." said the doctor, "You're not eating properly."
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he look down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well,you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
AZ
The bartender says, "Hey! You've got a steering wheel stuck in your pants!"
The pirate says, "Aye, and it's driving me nuts."
A panda walked into a cafe. He ordered a sandwich, ate it, then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. 'Why?' groaned the injured man. The panda shrugged, tossed him a badly punctuated wildlife manual and walked out. And sure enough, when the waiter consulted the book, he found an explanation. 'Panda,' ran the entry for his assailant. 'Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
The English Language (especially for SpiralDragon
)I take it that you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.
Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird;
And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead.
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and treat;
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother;
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and cord and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says dam
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other I’ll man the guns, you drive
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Double-check your URL,
As we all have heard before.
You ask for an invalid filename,
And I respond, "404."
Perhaps you made a typo --
Your fingers may be sore --
But until you type it right,
You'll only get 404.
Maybe you followed a bad link,
Surfing a foreign shore;
You'll just have to tell that author
About this 404.
Remember Poe, insane with longing
For his tragically lost Lenore.
Instead, you quest for files.
Quoth the Raven, "404!"
(Be glad I'm not an old mainframe
That might just dump its core,
Because then you'd get a ten-meg file
Instead of this silly 404.)
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration."
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about a new shirt?"
Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
The salesman eyed Jerry again. "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Jerry was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?" Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Jerry "and have been most of my life."
"I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A man walked into a doctor's offce. He had a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a bannana in his right ear. "Doc, what's wrong with me?", he asked.
"That's easy." said the doctor, "You're not eating properly."
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he look down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well,you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
AZ
ROFL
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