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I found this on another message board, I thought MURC would appreciate it.
FADE IN: EXT. SPACE
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera chasing
wildly behind them in a way that only computer generated scenes can
show. We see that they have EWAN MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in
them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue SUPREME
CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be like a life support system being in a
box on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the sort of thing that should have been in
the last film. Oh well, at least there were scenes of me rolling around
in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCDIARMID, using the
help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a comfortable chair overlooking all of the
destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN fights him and
eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are CAPTURED and
brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX WITH THERMOS
NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get his
LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW
THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further failing to illustrate how intimidating
my character is meant to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE. There is MILD
CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE PORTMAN, the linchpin of
HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll actually be showing. Really.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving birth to a
GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a single shot, the only
indicator at all that any time has passed since the previous scene.
Nothing happens for a while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of
IAN MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you're confused about being
a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fcuk Natalie Portman. That's insanity. Did you see
her in Closer? Holy fcuk.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The scene is
utterly superfluous and present solely to have a scene containing
WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR WARS UNIVERSE seem even
smaller with more cameos by characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on UTAPAU. He
jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the AUDIENCE
MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN rides it up to GENERAL
GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now, without waiting for my support troops
to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost literally every single duel you've been a
part of except for the one with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly mentions
how many times he has saved you. What have you done in the entire
prequel trilogy so far to prove that you're actually a decent fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So, what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a droid. Check it out, I have an actual
beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFU C KING JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to see IAN.
Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI TEMPLE, toward
NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says nothing, we can see that he
is conflicted, trying to decide between his commitment to the Jedi order
and his love for his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the
Jedi Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the best acted scene between us is the one in
which we are in separate buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being a manipulative motherfcuker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And
right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that
it's fukkin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fukkin' red. It could
blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfukker, motherfukker! Every time
my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the JEDI, pulls
his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls his blade out, moves
toward another, and slowly kills him too, all while SAMUEL L.
MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON twirls his lightsaber around pointlessly behind
them. Once only SAMUEL is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is
eventually beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL, which he absorbs
into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back onto IAN, which causes him
to grow old, apprently.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind telling how to save Natalie real quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Fcuk that, I'm killing this geezer now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be.. er, well it
would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no
PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly
survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there's no turning back. Go kill
all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the
challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the
DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
...
Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera chasing
wildly behind them in a way that only computer generated scenes can
show. We see that they have EWAN MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in
them.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.
EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)
They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue SUPREME
CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!
HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they deactivate.
EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is on the outside of the ship?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be like a life support system being in a
box on someone's chest.
They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of brotherly camaraderie between us.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the sort of thing that should have been in
the last film. Oh well, at least there were scenes of me rolling around
in the grass.
They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCDIARMID, using the
help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that ever happened. They find IAN.
IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a comfortable chair overlooking all of the
destruction I have wrought!
Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face pasted on!
They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN fights him and
eventually KILLS him.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and introduced him in the first place.
HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are CAPTURED and
brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC SKELETON.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.
He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX WITH THERMOS
NO RESERVE!!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!
He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get his
LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW
THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further failing to illustrate how intimidating
my character is meant to be!
HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE. There is MILD
CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE PORTMAN, the linchpin of
HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.
NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll actually be showing. Really.
We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving birth to a
GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a single shot, the only
indicator at all that any time has passed since the previous scene.
Nothing happens for a while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of
IAN MCDIARMID.
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you're confused about being
a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to fcuk Natalie Portman. That's insanity. Did you see
her in Closer? Holy fcuk.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was--
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll not bother following up on the other
thing you said.
Meanwhile...
EXT. KASHYYK
YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The scene is
utterly superfluous and present solely to have a scene containing
WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR WARS UNIVERSE seem even
smaller with more cameos by characters from the original trilogy.
CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.
EXT. UTAPAU
EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on UTAPAU. He
jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.
IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!
The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the AUDIENCE
MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN rides it up to GENERAL
GREVIOUS and challenges him.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now, without waiting for my support troops
to arrive.
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost literally every single duel you've been a
part of except for the one with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly mentions
how many times he has saved you. What have you done in the entire
prequel trilogy so far to prove that you're actually a decent fighter?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So, what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?
GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a droid. Check it out, I have an actual
beating heart.
EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.
EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.
INT. CORUSCANT
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFU C KING JACKSON
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith Lord.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on some ass.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
No, go your room.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to see IAN.
Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI TEMPLE, toward
NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says nothing, we can see that he
is conflicted, trying to decide between his commitment to the Jedi order
and his love for his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the
Jedi Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the best acted scene between us is the one in
which we are in separate buildings and have no lines?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S CHAMBER.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being a manipulative motherfcuker.
IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And
right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that
it's fukkin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fukkin' red. It could
blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfukker, motherfukker! Every time
my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.
Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the JEDI, pulls
his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls his blade out, moves
toward another, and slowly kills him too, all while SAMUEL L.
MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON twirls his lightsaber around pointlessly behind
them. Once only SAMUEL is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is
eventually beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of Ezekiel for a--
Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL, which he absorbs
into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back onto IAN, which causes him
to grow old, apprently.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind telling how to save Natalie real quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Fcuk that, I'm killing this geezer now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be.. er, well it
would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no
PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly
survive.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there's no turning back. Go kill
all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the
challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the
DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
...
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