Should I...

[Pace]

And why can't I stop thinking about this!

[cjolley]

I was in this exact situation 14 years ago with the woman who is now my wife.
Well, we've been married 14 years and "dated" for a year before that.
You need to date to find out if you really love her.
On the other hand, you can't call it dating because of her recent contretemps.
This creates a wonderful situation for both of you.
Do stuff together & have fun.
The rest will become clear enough later.
chuck

[spoogenet]

The friendship doesn't have to come before the relationship, but I think it really helps. Of the relationships I've had (not in one at the moment), when I was friends first, it always ended for one reason or another but with no hard feelings, and we're still friends. With the ones where we weren't friends first, well, they're just plain over.

I value a friendship very much. Relationships come and go, friends are forever. (although you might find one relationship that is forever....)

As has been mentioned before, I would just do things with her. Go out and have fun, but keep it neutral. Do lunch rather than dinner.

If you want to do a movie, make sure it's a macho flick (no Titanic "just for fun").

Good luck with it.

I'm surprised nobody has asked for pictures yet....hahahahaha.....although I guess you did get one request for her number....

b

[This message has been edited by spoogenet (edited 27 February 2001).]

[Topha]

i once wanted to ask a girl out and didnt and i still regret it, but i dont know if i would regret it even more had i asked and got "no" as an answer, but i would ask if i were you, although i dont have that much experience yet

[paulcs]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Pace:
And why can't I stop thinking about this!</font>

Because you have a crush.

Maybe you should ask her to dinner as opposed to coffee. I say this because you're already friends and coffee is at the bottom of the mating ritual. It may be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture and you want more.

If you get shot down or she hits you with the dreaded line, "I just want to be your friend" (AKA, the kiss of death), then you know. You can move on and, maybe, try again later. Much later. If she says yes, then your chances are pretty good.

I have several close women friends. Our relationships are long established and asking them to dinner would not be interpreted as a romantic overture. I've gone to dinner with them dozens of times. However, if your relationship is not set in stone, then asking her to dinner is a signal that you might be interested in something more. Coffee/lunch are more ambiguous, and I'm not sure if ambiguity is what you're looking for.

I've given up asking women to lunch. The last woman I asked to lunch said, "I'm not free for lunch. Ask me to dinner." Then I knew.

Crushes are fun. But if you're not interested in wallowing in your crush for a while, then it is time to be proactive. Just do it.

Paul
paulcs@flashcom.net

[Muad'Dib]

If you really want to know if she/you like each other - just keep spending more and more time together. You will know soon enough if you like her and then you can go from there with what feels right to you.

That's what I would do at least.

Dimitri

[cjolley]

Also: Zoo, Park, Movie, Museum.
chuck

[Sasq]

Something to consider,

To have a good relationship, you need to have a good friendship as its base.

Dan

[Pace]

Well, I've decided to ask her direct, if I do ask, because the only person that I've told that even remotely knows her has already told someone else So then, too much trust in that friend

However, I'm not sure whether to wait or just let my feelings be known from the 'start'. If I want and then she finds out from someone else that could be a bad thing...but telling her now when neither of us is ready could be worse...

Any more ideas - is doing this now too early for her - and how do I find out if she still likes the other guy, or ain't over him yet? She sounds a little bitter about it, but it is just normal, and I'd never have thought anything about it outside of a situation like this

P.

[paulcs]

Well, now your back is against the wall.

I wouldn't provide any more information than what you have to. If you're going to ask her something, ask her to go out for dinner or for drinks or something. If you ask her on date, she'll know you want to go out on a date. That's all she needs to know at this point.

I'm under the impression that you're not entirely sure of what your feelings are. No use complicating matters by telling her about your feelings. That's what dates are for: to find out how interested and compatible you are with the person you are dating.

And don't let someone tell her for you. About ten years ago, I expressed interest for a woman at work to a couple of colleagues. They were friends and they eventually became frustrated by my hesitation. After nagging me about it for a while, they threatened to ask her out for me. Within the hour, I was in front of her, stammering, and asking her out.

I think this all very simple, albeit terrifying. The possibility of rejection, obviously, is what makes it so. I think you'll have to get over whatever fears you might have, accept the possibility of rejection, and ask her out. Don't over-think things. Just ask her out on a date.

If she says yes, you're on your way. If she says no, go out with your friends and get drunk. (Sometimes I think it's best to ask someone out before you develop a crush. The stakes aren't as high. I suspect it's a little late for that.)

I wouldn't let anyone tell her before you ask her to dinner (or whatever you decide to do). If you ask her beforehand, and someone eventually tells her, she'll already know.

Paul
paulcs@flashcom.net

[spoogenet]

Confronting her about it might not be such a bad idea. If it were me, I would be as non-predative as possible. I would maybe let her know, but wouldn't want her to feel pressured in any way. If she does feel pressured, good chance she'll want to back off whether she likes you or not (from being fresh out of a relationship).

It's still possible to be friends even if she doesn't want to be more than friends with you. The sooner she's aware of it, the lower an impact it'll have on the friendship IMHO. However if you're too predatory about it, then she could be uneasy and not even want a friendship.

Just some thoughts. Good luck with it.

b

[HollyBerri]

I don't know if I speak for all women, but hey, I'm prolly better than nothing....OK, lemme think... my beloved boyfriend, who was a good friend as well, has left me (I suppose). I know a guy, but don't know that he "might" like me... yeah, right. But OK, maybe I'm not thinking about it, so I don't realize.

What would I want as a woman?

Well, either you'd better sweep me off my feet with authority, or you'd better become my good friend and charm me into submission. Either way, I'm going to be completely freaked out for at least 6 months (+/- depending on the woman, but I'd think you could bet on 6 months for sure). Some of that is going to have to do with you, most of it is going to have to do with me. If you can't handle it, don't bother. And if you might try either one of these strategies, only to discover in 3 weeks/months that you really didn't like me after all, I'm going to hate you for putting me even worse off than I already was.

I'd say, unless you're prepared to fight to be with her (which you'd have to do, as she's not "herself" for one thing, and resistant for another), you need to just take it slow enough to find out what <u>your</u> feelings for her are. Then you can start to care about hers (which would be a good thing to be doing if you were to date her, don't'cha know).

------------------------
Holly

[Alec]

Hey Pace, what if the problem is not so complex as you think it is? I pretty much agree and would think like Dave did. Do not make hasty decisions, let things happen. When someone is in love, it shows in his eyes, believe me.

What if she´s already interested in you?



[This message has been edited by Alec (edited 01 March 2001).]

[HedsSpaz]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">
From: Falkirk, Scotland
</font>

The weather sucks there right now doesn't it? Just in general you know, it is winter after all.

So, here's what I would recommend (keep in mind this may actually be horrible advice, of course it could be good advice too ). You and a couple of friends go to a movie tommorow night (standard Friday night stuff). Ask her if she would be interested in going as well. The important things is that this way it isn't really a "date", because there are other people there. Oh, and make sure that there is at least one other female there as well.

As to whether or not you want to tell her about your interest right now, that might be a little questionable. I think the most important thing is that you make it very obvious that you respect hwo she feels right now and you in no way want to do something that would make her feel worse. Even at risk of getting the "I just want to be friends" response, if she really is a such a wonderful person, then maybe that really is the best thing after all.

My last GF I started dating 3 months after she broke up with her previous BF. 3 months later we broke up, basically because she came to the conclusion that a lot of people have given warnign about in this thread. She realized that she really couldn't handle a relationship at that time and she really shouldn't have started dating again so soon.

It hurt for a while, and for a while I could hardly bare to be around her. Not because I hated her, but because I still cared about her so much. And I still do in fact. The good thing though, is that we are very good friends now.

Just to throw an amusing bit of irony into all this, the guy she dated before me is now one of my best friends, and the guy before him was my roommate my sophmore year of college, and the guy she started dating 4 months after me (go figure?), she is now engaged to and is marrying this summer. Now, is that screwy or what? Nevertheless!! We are still friends.

Ok, I've rambled a bit much now (damn, I am just too good at that). So, basically, my summary word of advice is this, friendship above all else.

Good luck, and have FUN!!

Ian

[Pace]

Paul: Yea...back against the wall...

And, you said don't over-think things - I think I've already done that! I've never, ever, put anywhere much as thought into this as into anyone else.

b: Ta, I think we would still be friends I suppose, but I want to maximise my chances of 'more' than friends

Holly: Thanks for the insight from the 'other side'

Alec: If it shows in my eyes, then I've already been caught 'gazing' a few times

Ian: The weather's great With the drifting we've had upto 1 metre thick snow! My sister is in Australia for a year, and she's now missed a white Christmas, and the best snow in years!

As for the advice, sounds good, but, as you'd expect, I'm still confused, and throwing all these ideas around my head I decide against some, and then you's go and suggest new ones! Hehe, they are all good though! (at least I think so for the moment )

Thanks,

Paolo the Romantic