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az · 21 August 2002, 01:42

ROFL!

AZ

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 01:46

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 01:54

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:02

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "SCHMUCK"

The next Friday night he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names but, this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:04

The phone rings at the synagogue office. "Hello, is this Rabbi
Schwartz?" the caller asks.
"It is."

"This is the Internal Revenue Service. We wonder if you can help us."

"I'll try."

"Do you know a Herman Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is this man a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000?"

"He will."

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:06

A congregation honors a rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi—I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!" The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:21

A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for
himself, decided to review the tax returns of the
local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the
Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the
wax drippings from the Shabbat,Havdallah and
Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that
nothing went to waste, responded that the used
wax is collected and sent to a candle factory
and they send the Temple new candles.

What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at
Passover? Asked the IRS auditor.

Simple, the Rabbi responded. We collect all the
crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they
send us matzah meal.

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up.
I know that you're a mohel as well as a Rabbi.
What do you do with the leftovers from the
circumcisions?

Easy, said the Rabbi. We send them to Washington,
DC, and they send us little pricks like you.

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:22

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother said, "Oy, that's great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother said, "Oy,
that's not so great."

The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy
beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live
in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and
said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to
do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is
bang me in the ass. When I got married, my ****ole was like
a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar."

Her mother said, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make
trouble?"

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:31

A man wakes up in the morning and he can't find his hat. He decides that he is going to go to the Temple and steal a hat but after hearing the sermon he is so excited. He goes up to the Rabbi and says, "You saved me. I came here today with the full intention of stealing a hat but after hearing your talk I'm not going to do it!".

"That's great", said the Rabbi, "but what was it about my talk that made you change your mind?"

"Well", said the man, "You spoke about the ten commandments and when you got to the part about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery"....... I remembered where I left my hat!!"

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:32

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.

"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

"My wife is from Minsk", replied the rabbi.

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:33

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:35

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk.
The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11".

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 02:37

Q. What is a real Jewish dilemma?
A. Free ham.

Q. What is a Jewish pervert's favorite pick-up line?
A. Hey little girl, wanna buy a piece of candy?

Q: What is a popular cheer at a Jewish football game?
A: Get that quarter-back!

**Dogbert** · 21 August 2002, 03:06

A man tries to enter Heaven but is stopped by the Angel who keeps the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that it is not easy to get into Heaven. There is a certain criterion to be met before entry is allowed.
The Angel asks the man several questions.
Was he religious in life?
He answers, "No!"
Did he attend shul on Shabbos and Yom Tovim?
He answers, "No!"
Did he give Tzedakah to the poor?
He answers, "No!"
Did he do any good deeds while on earth?
He answers, "No!"
Did he help his neighbor?
He answers, "No!"
The Angel says, "Not good! Not good at all!"

In exasperation the Angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this little old lady who was surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels when I came out of the drugstore. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was; and then I spit in his face."

"Wow", says the Angel, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago," replied the man.

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