Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

Old Max Shapiro confided in his shrink, "Doc, I'm very worried about my future. What's going to happen to me? Can you help me with all this anxiety?"
"Sure, I can help, Max," the psychiatrist said. "Visit me twice a week for $100 a visit. And pay in advance, of course."

"Okay, Doc," Max said, "and now that your future is assured, what about mine?"

[Dogbert]

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Morris, I want a divorce."
He replies, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[Dogbert]

During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

[Dogbert]

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
"A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

[Dogbert]

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renown surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes
Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

[Dogbert]

Purim Around the World

King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You Congo now!", he ordered her.

After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.

Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily. "I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!", Haman scolded Mordechai.

"U.S.A. very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas. If you keep this up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey!"

Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes--a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary.

Esther approached the king and asked, " Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.

The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you."

Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people."

Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduras this scene. "Oman!", Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai--Egypt me!"

Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands.

And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.

And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. G-d decided to China light on His chosen people.

So now let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just be happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on!

[Dogbert]

GI Insurance
Airman Cohen was assigned to advise new recruits about GI Insurance. Captain Smith noticed that he had almost a 100% record for sales. Amazed, the captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Cohen's pitch.
Cohen explained the basics of GI Insurance, then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI Insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."

"So you tell me," he concluded, "who do you think they're going to send into battle first?"

[Dogbert]

Isaac Fleaglebaum's attorneys handled a jury trial in a tough business case.
The client was out of town when the jury came back with its decision.
The lead lawyer, a youngish-lawyer with a flair for prose, immediately emailed a note to his client saying "JUSTICE TRIUMPHED."
Mr. Fleaglebaum replied, "APPEAL AT ONCE."

[Dogbert]

Dr. Feinstein finished examining the woman's teeth and says, "I am really very sorry to have to tell you this, but I am going to have to perform a root canal."
The woman moans, "Oy Vey ist mir! I'd rather have a baby!"
To which Dr. Feinstein riposted, "Vell, lady, choose your pick, nu? I have to adjust the chair either way."

[Dogbert]

"Doctor, I'm getting ever more forgetful, what should I do?"
Doctor: "Pay me in advance."

[Dogbert]

A young Israeli soldier is tired of the war with Egypt and asks his commander for a two weeks' leave. "The Egyptians with their tanks are on the other side of see those hills", says the commander, "bring me an Egyptian tank within one hour and you'll get your leave." The soldier goes away with his tank and comes back ten minutes later with an Egyptian tank. "Amazing", says the commander, "how did you do that?!" The soldier: "I asked one of those Egyptian guys whether he too wanted a two weeks' leave, and he said yes, and then we exchanged the tanks."