Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle team from the deli -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 1million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16
thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak
that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and
since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can
feed two million prisoners.

[Dogbert]

At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."
"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to live
I'd better make the most of my time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he
said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl, how come?"
"It'll seem longer."

[Dogbert]

It was a dark and stormy night, and Medelson, an old man, knew that the end was near. "Call the priest," he said to his wife, "and tell him to come right away."
"The priest? Max, you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!"
"No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest. Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"

[Dogbert]

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked
into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The man and
nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his
wife
and 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children... You're a good, proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
"Sister,why are you leaving?"
"I didn't realize I was talking to sex maniac!"

[Dogbert]

On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."

"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"

"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

[Dogbert]

Rothberg, the manufacturer, and Rochmis, the wholesaler, enjoyed a fine business relationship for many years, but they got into a dispute about a shipment of garmets which Rothberg swore he had sent adn Rochmis insisted he had never received.
Thereafter, on the first of each month, Rothberg would send a bill, and just as regularly Rochmis ignored it.
But when a year had passed without payment, Rothberg instructed his accountant to draft a telegram demanding his money. Dutifully, the accountant prepared his telegram:
"DEBT NOW A YEAR OVERDUE. REMIT AT ONCE. CAN WAIT NO LONGER."
But Rothberg hit the ceiling. "Who needs so many words?" he said crossly, his sense of frugality outraged. "You couldn't make it shorter?"
"I don't see how," answered the accountant.
Rothberg grabbed a pencil and quickly reduced the telegram to one word: "NU?"
And the reply which came back from Rochmis the same day was: "SUE!"

[Dogbert]

A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes, the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However, he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the time that it took to deliver.
"No problem" says the rabbi. I'll reduce it to fit." ...and so he does.
The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air... BUT... he had only a five minute spot. "No problem" says the rabbi. "I can reduce it to fit the time slot." ...and so he does.
At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi "that was a wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something, please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot... why the heck did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?"

[Dogbert]

Motke the Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope, addressed to G-d. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $100 have been stolen.
She will be cold and hungry this Pesach without divine intervention.
He shares the letter with his fellow postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $96. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, Motke recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens
it:
"Dear G-d, Thank you for the $100 for Pesach, which would have been so bleak
otherwise.
P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving gonifs at the Post Office."

[Dogbert]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch," she said, "they're for the shiva." (Seven days or mourning)

[Dogbert]

Eating and Fasting
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which
you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based
on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually
purified, you definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. (You can invent your own; e.g., the Extremely Reform Festival of the Pretzel Sticks.)

Note Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e. g Ash
Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is
because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

The Yo-yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month.
Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.
17th of Tammuz -- Fast [definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

[Dogbert]

"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you have to stop taking you trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."

[Dogbert]

An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, and infantry are traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel.
They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them. Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best.
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack.
After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. ;That's the best you got? I've seen tougher soldiers by the Hadassah ladies' bazaar.
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the pest. Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. That's it?; he yells, that's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group.
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack.
Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander, Go back, go back! It's a trap, there are two of them.

[Dogbert]

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her.

[Dogbert]

Driving in Israel

a. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Israeli driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
b. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Tel Aviv. This does not mean that the moron behind you doesn't want you to move faster.
c. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
d. Learn to swerve abruptly. Israel is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Public Works Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

[Dogbert]

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."