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**Sasq** · 6 December 2001, 19:56

hmm potential mine field approaching, donning titanium body armor.

Would you be asking that question if the close friend was a male, and you just enjoyed hanging out, talking about things that actually matter - not just typical bloke testosterone type stuff?

If there is nothing sexual, personally i see no problem. However your partner might not hold the same view. I have a few female friends (not so many in this country). I just keep my partner up to date on whats happening. keep no secrets that way your partner doesn't start to become jelous of shadows.

That said just remember this advice is free and its worth what your paying for it - hmm might have to put that in as my signature

Dan

**ZokesPro** · 6 December 2001, 20:14

I think it's probably best if you do some soul searching, or take time to reflect on things. I can't really answer your question, I don't even have a girlfriend!

Maybe it's just your financial situation putting you down. Seems to be part of what's putting you down. Don't put so much emphasis on it and maybe you'll fell more relaxed. For example, at my work, I do tech support for a huge corporation. Some customers almost cannot live a day without their computers, it takes over their lives. Don't let money do that to you, don't let it control your life so much, although in a capitalist world that easier said than done.

If your thinking about leaving your wife for this other girl than maybe it's best you picture your future with and without her and what it might be like.

Maybe a friend is really all you need.

That's my advice. Plus If it helps I live in Ontario too, and this town probably isn't much better that yours.

I hope some of this helps, probably doesn't but hey I tried.

**Dilitante1** · 6 December 2001, 20:53

my thoughts

talk to the wife and express the concern she is pressuring you for something you dont need the responsibility of right now......if you dont think your marriage would suffer, introduce the friend (and baby) to the wife...so she can enjoy the baby like you do and have stated earlier......

she (hopefully) will realize the pressures on you are great and may back off and allow you to concentrate better on the new business (grats)

New job/responsibilities/family are great stresses in life....i used to work 2 jobs (70 hours/week minimum) so I know stress....when I asked the wife to work she refused then bailed out of the 9 year relationship......(stress again)

I feel for ya man

-Dil

**cbman** · 6 December 2001, 21:29

Hmm.. lots of good advice...

I wrote alot.. but due to my fragmented way of writing... it didn't make much sense so for a condensed version.

I think what my wife needs is to be with her family (They live about 10 hours from here) for a while... to get away from this small town.

What I need is some time to sort things out. I am not worried about finances... Its just going to take some time to get things paid down and off and to catch up on payments that are overdue.

Its just when you hear about the same problems everyday it tends to wear you out. Especially when it is something that is going to take a while to achieve.

I think Sasq is right in saying that if she was a he my thoughts would be different. (I would either be gay or just best friends with a guy)

My wife knows this woman... she babysits occasionally. She knows I like to hang out with her so its cool.

The wife just doesn't think I am spending enough time with her. Maybe I am not.. but for some reason nothing that I do counts towards the time spent with her and even if it does the slate is wiped clean daily.

I guess I just need someone different to be with sometimes... not for life or lust.. but just to share space with and be comfortable.

**Sasq** · 6 December 2001, 22:31

Yeah, having good friends is valuable. I'm stuck in a strange country, and almost no job atm, so i don't get out much. luckily I have the net and voice chat with my best buddy in Oz - it helps keep me sane.

Sit down and have a long chat with your wife, let her come up with the idea to go visit the folks and get outa the town for a bit. Mental space would probably do the both of you the world of good

Dan

**cbman** · 7 December 2001, 06:35

I guess I will find out soon how things are going.

I sent an email to the friend explaining how I feel.

I have to go over there later and help her do up some christmas photo's on the computer and it will give me time to define our friendship.

I just don't want her to get the wrong idea (Just like I don't want the wife to get the wrong idea.) So I am hoping the best course of action is just to be honest and communicative with everyone concerned.

I still feel really guilty about not feeling comforatable at home right now. But I am hoping it will pass.

Thanks for your advice Sasq. Maybe she will want to stay up north for a while longer when we go up there for christmas. I have a feeling that things are going to pick up for me shortly after christmas when companies can center on upgrades, consulting, and emergency repairs.

**cbman** · 7 December 2001, 07:12

Well.. I have officially screwed up my friendship

Oh well... you can't win them all or have it all.

Sigh.. back to being a workaholic for me.

**Sasq** · 7 December 2001, 08:29

Sorry to hear that. I don't know what was in the email or what was said... if her feelings were only friendship my guess is it will settle down in a while and you can get back to being friends.

God knows how many times we've all had a big argument with our best friend or whatever - tis the test of a true friendship.

If your now based at home, living in each others pockets 24/7 will get on anybodys nerves so after work picks up and the money starts rolling two major stresses will be gone and I think you feel a lot more comfortable at home.

Personally I'm stuck only doing a few part time jobs atm while my partner works 15 hour days and doesn't get overtime. Depresses me more then her so I can understand at least part of your feelings.

Twill get better

Dan

**cbman** · 7 December 2001, 09:37

The E-Mail said exactly how I felt and what I was thinking. About the depth of our friendship and she took it the wrong way.

She said that she still wants to be a friend but that maybe I should just take some time and stay away from her for a while so that I can dissipate these excessive feelings and try to get back to what is important.

It's hard to just go from being best friends to just aquaintances.. I don't think I have felt this sad in quite some time.

Oh well.. the bar's open late... time to go visit my old friend The Captain...

**Bohrn** · 7 December 2001, 13:18

hey CBman, I was thinking that you might want to find out from your friend how she really feels. She might want to go alot farther with you. You seem like you have your head screwed on straigh(cept for the little relationship you have with Capt Morgan and friends ): ) you have a source of income, and she obviously likes hanging out with you. Also you get along well with her child. This combo is very attractive to alot of women (even if you do look like a cactus ): ) you don't want to hurt her feelings any more than you have to.

Just be careful. Or not, maybe it is time for a change. You need to be happy, and so does your wife. And so does your friend and her child. It can be hard, but the sooner you sort it all out honestly and for real, the sooner you all will be happy.

reminds me of a simpsons episode where they went to a Chinese restaraunt. The fortune cookie people were all out of "marry your mistress" so Homer got a "stick with your wife" cookie

Best of luck. I really hope you get thru it. I have been there a couple of times. No children in either case,and no real money issues as we were all alot younger with no real property etc then, but the same feelings involved. I send my best.

PS, I "stuck with my wife"

**dancray** · 7 December 2001, 14:46

get her drunk, rent a motel room and behave like an animal - videotape for future viewing because you'll never see her again after that (especially when you tell her about the video). Post some captures of it here for us, after all we at Murc are the best friends you'll ever have - and friends always share

regards

dc

**cbman** · 8 December 2001, 10:24

Originally posted by Bohrn
hey CBman, I was thinking that you might want to find out from your friend how she really feels. She might want to go alot farther with you. You seem like you have your head screwed on straigh(cept for the little relationship you have with Capt Morgan and friends ): ) you have a source of income, and she obviously likes hanging out with you. Also you get along well with her child. This combo is very attractive to alot of women (even if you do look like a cactus ): ) you don't want to hurt her feelings any more than you have to.

Just be careful. Or not, maybe it is time for a change. You need to be happy, and so does your wife. And so does your friend and her child. It can be hard, but the sooner you sort it all out honestly and for real, the sooner you all will be happy.

Damn.. I didn't even consider this. (But how do you ask... something like if I wasn't married would you go out with me? Do you like me? How do you feel about me?)

Well anyways for an update.

I bought a really nice card (friendship) that had a really sappy set of prose inside and signed it.
I gave her a call and said I had something for her and I wanted to know if I could come over for a coffee. She said sure.

I then went over to her house and no one answered the buzzer... I felt pretty bad as though she was trying to make a point.
Feeling even worse I started to head home and at the end of her lane changed my mind and went back and left the card in the screen door and then went home.

I got home and was feeling pretty crummy (its a 20 minute walk) and went on the comp.. she popped up on MSN so I said hey .. what's up.. she said... I thought you were coming over.. I said... I did.. but no-one answered the buzzer or the knock... she said she was home and said oh well... We would have to try to have a coffee together some other time... I told her to go check to make sure her doorbell works (which it doesn't.. batteries had died) but I had forgot that I had stuck the card in the door.

Well anyways.. she was really happy that I had gotten her a friendship card and I told her that I had gotten everything all figured out and that I still wanted to have that coffee.

So I went over but as I was leaving I snapped the key off in my apartment door...

Well.. anyways.. I went over for a coffee and we sat and chatted and I played with the baby

and I went home and got there just as my wife was getting back from her meeting

Boy was she pissed off at me because of the key... the landlords were at a dinner until 11:00PM so we drove to see if they could fix it when they were done (The could which was greatly appreciated) and they had to drill through the lock (2 Drillbits, 1 Screwdriver and alot of metal shaving to get it open) which was really cool.. but anyways...

So for the moment I am still happy enough with the wife... I have my IMHO Best "Female" friend back... and I guess I will see what happens in the next few weeks.

So any ideas on the best way to ask someone how they feel about you (So you can get a straight answer)

**Guru** · 8 December 2001, 10:38

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

**RedRed** · 8 December 2001, 10:58

CBman... I think you are on dangerous ground, here.....

With whatever sex turns you on (female in your (and my) case) you can only have one 'best friend', imho..... Thats your partner!

Your chemistry with this other girl could lead you to stray, where you might not have before...

You have a new business starting out, it can be stressful, you might feel you are not providing for your wife... SHE might feel that you are not providing for her.... This other girl... she makes you feel useful (perhaps she is lonely at home, you play with the Kid, she needs you to help her out with stuff...(next thing she call you over cos the sink is blocked... next thing she need her plumbing looked at!

). The point is that in this second relationship, you dont have to perform, so you find it an easier path. - hey though! this is just me talkin' I am not in the situation (though I have been in the 'best girl friend thing....).

be careful. Make sure that this isnt just a stress thing. If it is, let the other girl down easy, and put some clear water between you (the Atlantic would be best!). If you start realise you got the hots for her, think carefully, you might ruin your marriage (it is meant to be for life, you know!)

RedRed

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