Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

The Match
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

[Dogbert]

Who is an Israeli

Over the past year and a half, local celebrities have answered the question "Who is an Israeli?" To widen the
perspective, the weekend magazine of the Ma'ariv newspaper opened up a telephone line to the public, so they could contribute their own answers to that difficult question.
Here are some of the responses:

"An Israeli is someone who knows what's better for you than you do."

"An Israeli is someone who goes to Cyprus for the weekend and has his entire family waiting for him at the airport when he gets back."

"An Israeli is someone who will always look for somebody to blame instead of looking for a solution."

"An Israeli is someone who sits in his living room and uses his cellular phone to call his wife in the next room and tell her to bring him some sunflower seeds."

"An Israeli is someone with 1,000 excuses as to why he couldn't do whatever it was you asked of him."

"An Israeli is someone who will drive two and a half hours to save 50 shekels by shopping at the shuk - but when he gets back to his car he'll find a parking ticket for 100 shekels."

"An Israeli is someone who loves life in Israel, especially when he's abroad."

"An Israeli is someone who signals left, but turns right."

"An Israeli is someone who'll curse you at a stoplight, cut in front of you in line, recognize you from the army if you bump into him abroad, and start up a conversation with you if you're sitting across from him in the Kupat Holim waiting room."

"An Israeli is someone who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst."

"An Israeli is someone who spits his cigarette out his car window in Israel and in the next breath complains that the streets abroad are much cleaner than the ones at home."

"An Israeli is someone who will praise and support you only after you're dead."

"An Israeli is someone who will do anything to get out of reserve duty in times of peace, and will do anything to be able to serve during times of war."

"An Israeli is someone who isn't embarrassed to ask you how much money you make."

"An Israeli is someone who knows the answer before you ask the question."

"An Israeli is someone who can bankrupt an 'all you can eat' restaurant."

"An Israeli is someone who does not know how to say 'please,' 'excuse me' or 'thank you' - but in your hour of need will walk through fire to lend you a hand.

[Dogbert]

Jewish Light Bulb Questions and Answers

Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Call a committee meeting.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.
* One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.
* Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
* Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light bulb."
* Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho-halachic
implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregates does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

[Dogbert]

An angel is taking new arrivals on a tour of heaven. He opens a door with a sign on it that says "REFORM" in large letters.
Inside, they see a vast hall where there are multitudes of Reform Jews all laughing, talking, and eating. When they see the new arrivals everyone smiles and waves.

Next the angel takes them down the hall to a door with a sign that says "CONSERVATIVE." Again the angel opens the door and there are multitudes of people laughing, talking, eating. When they see the new arrivals they all smile and wave.

Finally, the angel says, "Ok. Now, when I show you the next room, you'll have to just peek in and be very quiet. Be careful not to make the slightest sound." As they approach the door they see a big sign that says "ORTHODOX."

As they were instructed, they peek inside and see multitudes of Orthodox Jews laughing, talking and eating. Then the angel quietly shuts the door.

After the door is closed one of the newcomers asks, "Why did we have to be quiet?"

"Because," said the angel, "they think they're the only ones here!!!"

[Dogbert]

Newsletter mistakes

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.

The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.

Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Dogbert]

Three Jewish Mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offsprings. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does, nobody."

So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour---just to talk about me."

[Dogbert]

The Reward
Gamal Abdel Nasser, the nationalistic Egyptian dictator, while walking along along the shores of a lake, somehow managed to fall in, was seized with a cramp, floundered into deeper water, and was soon thrashing about
helplessly. Fortunately for him, a teen-ager who happened to be in the vicinity came running, threw himself into the water, and pulled out the dictator.
Once Nasser recovered, he said, "What is your name, young man? You will be rewarded."
The young man, aware now of who it was he had rescued and finding men in military uniforms all around him, said through chattering teeth, "My name is Abraham Mizrachi, sir."
"A Jew!" said Nasser with astonishment. "Well, no matter. You saved my life. What can I do for you?"
"Just one thing," said the teen-ager. "For God's sake, don't tell my father."

[Dogbert]

Israeli Independence
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."

[Dogbert]

A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God.
My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.
What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist.

[Dogbert]

Private Cohen made life miserable for every commanding officer he ever had during the days of World War II. A superlatively ingenious goof-off, he could never be called to account. Yet by his example he would corrupt entire companies. His commanders could merely pull strings to have him transferred.
From place to place he was shunted, until he finally ended up in New Guinea. Then, suddenly, from that primitive island, came a series of headlines:
PRIVATE COHEN CAPTURES ENEMY DIVISION SINGLE-HANDEDLY: PRIVATE COHEN SURROUNDS AND DESTROYS TWENTY ENEMY TANKS: PRIVATE COHEN SHOOTS DOWN HIS FIFTY-NINTH AND SIXTIETH ENEMY PLANES.

A dozen American officers, utterly astounded, separately sent wires of inquiry to Cohen's commanding officer in New Guinea. Each received a mimeographed reply which went: "Gentlemen: This is Colonel Ginsberg writing to you. As it happens, I understand Private Cohen. I know what makes him tick. On his first day here, I took him out on the base, placed my arm around his shoulders, and said, 'Cohen, my boy, see those tanks? They're yours! See those planes? They're yours! See those supplies, weapons, men? They're all yours! Cohen, my boy, from now on, you're in businesss for yourself.'"

[Dogbert]

Man goes to see the Rabbi.
Man: Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.
Rabbi: what's wrong?
Man: My wife is poisoning me.
Rabbi: How can that be?
Man: I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?
Rabbi: Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know.
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
Rabbi: Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
Man: Yes, Rabbi.
Rabbi: Take the poison.

[Dogbert]

The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.

[Dogbert]

Two feeble old gentlemen in a Tel Aviv nursing home decide that they want to go out on the town for a while but don’t have any way to finance their escape. One day Shlomo reads in the paper that a bounty is being offered for captured Arab arms and POWs.
Shlomo tells his buddy Moshe about the bounty and they decide to strike out for the Suez Canal to see if they can cash in on the bounty.
The two alters spend the night camped out along the canal. Early the next morning, Shlomo is awakened by a gurgling noise. A big Egyptian submarine has surfaced in the canal and its crew is unlimbering the deck gun. Behind it are dozens of assault
boats loaded with soldiers. A flight of Syrian MiGs buzzes the campsite and a long column of Arab tanks and motorized infantry approaches from the East, covered by helicopter gun ships.
Shlomo gasps and his eyes bulge from his head. He dashes back into the tent and violently shakes Moshe: “Wake up, wake up, how can you sleep at a time like this? We’re rich! We’re rich!

[Dogbert]

Chaim "Brickboots" Rabinovich, The notorious, unscrupulous Jewish Godfather, was arrested on a charge of murder, so he used his right to a telephone call to seek help from his lawyer, Moshe "the Cantor" Finkelstein.
Finkelstein said that because of the serious nature of the charge, they would have to brief counsellor Schwartz to conduct Chaim's defense.
On the day of the trial, a jury was selected, and Schwartz, the counsellor, said, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?"
"No." replied Finkelstein.
"Then we gotta object" said Feinstein, and the jury was duly thrown out.
This process was repeated another three times, and when Schwartz asked,
"Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?" Finkelstein replied, "Yes, Schwartz. Abe Guttman is there."
That night they went to see Abe Guttman, to whom Finkelstein said, "Abe, you know it is a very serious charge against Chaim. He could go to prison for life or even be sentenced to death. Now Schwartz and I have a proposal to make to you. If you can get us a verdict of manslaughter, we will pay you $5000."
At the conclusion of the trial, the jury deliberated for hours, and when they eventually returned, the judge asked whether they had reached a verdict. The foreman replied, "Yes, your Honour: not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter."
An appeal was immediately lodged and Chaim was out on bail. That night they had a huge celebration at Finkelstein's house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and when Finkelstein opened, there was Abe.
"Come in Abe, and join the party. We are celebrating."
"No, Finkelstein, wait a minute. First I want another $5000," replied Abe.
"Another $5000? What you want another $5000 for? We paid you $5000, and we got the verdict. What more do you want?" protested Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein, not once did I have to fight for that verdict. Not twice did I have to fight for that verdict. Three times I had to fight for that verdict!"
"Why, how did that happen?"
"All these Christians on the jury, they kept shouting, 'Acquittal! Acquittal! Acquittal!'"

[Dogbert]

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check".