Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

A man is walking along a street in New York and sees a little tailor's shop called COHEN and O'REILLY. He goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and he Jews, often at one another's throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...
'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' the man replies, still oozing enthusiasm...
'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop.
I mean, It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell', says the little Jewish tailor...
'Here's annuder soprize for you...I'm O'Reilly!'

[Gurm]

Schneerson... wait, didnt' he die?

Oh yes, that kinda means he WASN'T the messiah, doesn it?

*shrug*

- Gurm

[Dogbert]

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny.
"We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

[Dogbert]

Originally posted by Gurm
Schneerson... wait, didnt' he die?

Oh yes, that kinda means he WASN'T the messiah, doesn it?

*shrug*

- Gurm

He never claimed to be the Messiah. His stupid followers (among many other sins) proclaimed him Messiah against his will and orders.

[Dogbert]

Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"

[Dogbert]

A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."

[Dogbert]

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

[Dogbert]

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru. "Dats OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. "Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: "Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:
"Sheldon, come home."

[Dogbert]

Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case. Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever dies first will have the right to this burial place".
From then on, they stopped fighting ...

[KeiFront]

Go Dogbert

The neverending Jewish joke thread

[Dogbert]

One colllld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.

At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"

They did, and the line was shortened again.

At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"

Once again, the line was considerably shortened.

At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"

This included just about everybody.

Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat."

The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

[Dogbert]

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...

[Dogbert]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he looks up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "So where are you flying today?" She turns and smiles and says, "to the annual Nymphomaniac Covention in Chicago". He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZEd with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever see, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly askes, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks into his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really, he ways, swallowing hard. And what myths are those? She explains: Well, one popular myth is that African- American men are the most well-endowed men when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to posess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually, it is men of Jewish decent who romance women best on average. Very interesting the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. I'm sorry, she says, I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name! The man extends his had and warmly replies, Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.

[Dogbert]

A Jew and a Chinese were having lunch in a fast food place and the Jew suddenly got up walked over to the Chinese and knocked him off his stool onto the floor.
The Chinese man got up shook himself off and said why did you do that?
The Jew said that's to pay you back for Pearl Harbor.
The Chinese man yelled but I didn't have any thing to do with that, I'm Chinese, that was the Japanese.
The Jew said, Chinese, Japanese, Tiawanese they all sound the same to me.
Suddenly the Chinese man socked the Jew and knocked him down.
He got up dusted himself off and said what was that for?
That was for the Titanic.
The Titanic, we didn't have any thing to do with that, the Titanic hit an iceberg.
Ha Goldberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg, there all the same to me.

[Dogbert]

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink.
She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man.
She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"