Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew." People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away. As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US business..."

[Dogbert]

Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"

[RichL]

Originally posted by Dogbert
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also..... I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."

What's a Yenta?

[Gurm]

Matchmaker.

- Gurm

[Byock]

I am glad you asked.

Never heard of Yenta either...*laughs*

[The PIT]

All this just to get past the thousand post mark...

[KeiFront]

What would you expect, he's the Village Idiot not a Super MURCer

[Technoid]

He mayby thought that it would change to Super MURCer instead!

[Dogbert]

Originally posted by Gurm
Matchmaker.

- Gurm

Usually a Yante is also the 'local information center' or the master of gossip and roumors.


About the posts, I stopped because I finished "working" , not because I got to 1k.

[Dogbert]

A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries t....."Watch out for the wall!!!"

[Dogbert]

It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

[Dogbert]

ESTHER
Chapter I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my body, my choice," she used to say). But she was certainly not going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband. So she refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.
Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.

Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.

Chapter III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor, but the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got. So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending it. But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.

Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon as a sign of morning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him, but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed.

Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.

Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on their pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day. The King was very excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party.

The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbara Streissand. And Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And he built the gallows.


Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot. And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he would never amount to anything.


Chapter VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews.
"Who is that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief advisor Haman!
The King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life. He told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled. And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had subsided.

Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog between the Jewish leaders and the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance.

Chapter IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be Offended.

Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh-levied a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.

[Dogbert]

Yaakov, an up-and-coming Jewish inventor, is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Yaakov sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Yaakov brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 50 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere
on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Yaakov continues "I've put in regional
accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Yaakov. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by G.P.S. global satellite positioning," explains Yaakov. "View recede ten," Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Yaakov.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not "
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Yaakov stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another
one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Yaakov after the stranger, who turns around warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."

[Dogbert]

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going?
I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one
of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the
Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious"

[Dogbert]

This is a little known tale of how G-D came to give us the Ten Commandments.
G-D first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-D.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-D went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-D, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally G-D went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."