Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

Jewish Wisdom

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality. Fran Lebowitz

Don't be humble; you are not that great. Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business. Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy Groucho Marx

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle

Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way. (uncredited)

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. Henry Kissinger

[Dogbert]

Q & A

Q: Why aren't Jewish Mothers attacked by sharks?
A: Professional respect.

Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
A: So her daughter would visit twice a week.

Q: What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.

Q: What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when the daughter told her she had an affair?
A: Who catered it?

Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?
A: Gefiltered.

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.

Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

[Dogbert]

Nu Jewish Dictionary

CHUTZPAH
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

IMPOST
n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

JUDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT
n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

YENTILITY
n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include, "trust me," "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY
vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

BLINTZKRIEG
n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

MEINSTEIN
slang. "My son, the genius."

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

GOYFER
n. A gentile messenger.

HINDSTEIN
n. A Semitic smart-ass.

MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

SANTASHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHMUCKLUCK
n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

BIALY ACHE
n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.

[Dogbert]

Two very elderly Jewish ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says...."How soon do you have to know ?"

[Dogbert]

Four married Jewish men go golfing... During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will have the interior of the house completely painted by next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would get a contractor to build a new deck for the pool next week."
Third Guy: "Man, you both got off cheap! I had to promise my wife that I would have the kitchen remodeled for her." They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. . . When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course-or sex? and she says, "Wear your sweater".

[thop]

OMG THE ATTACK OF THE JEWISH JOKES

[GNEP]

Dogbert,

I really do hope that you are copying and pasting these, not typing them all...

gnep

[Dogbert]

Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.
First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.
Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one.
Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.
Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, neé Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Goy."

[Dogbert]

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?

[Dogbert]

NASA had sent many many shuttles into space to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races and creeds...they realized suddenly that they had excluded the clergy...so they invited a priest, a rabbi and a minister to orbit the earth in a shuttle.
Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.
First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement full of joy.
He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans."
Then the minister came out, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe."
Then the rabbi appeared. He was completely disheveled, his beard tangled flowing in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"
He threw his hands up in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??
Oy, oy, oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the t'fillin, off with t'fillin, mincha, ma'ariv, mincha, ma'ariv!... GEVALT!!!!"

[Dogbert]

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US.
Berel says "when I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name.
They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says "when I move to America, I'll also have to change my name.
They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving".

[Dogbert]

After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini.
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah (a parchment scroll placed over the doorway to bless a Jewish home) for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is reluctant, so he waits a few days but finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?"
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car! Can I see it?"
They go out and the Rabbi carefully looks over the entire
car, finally settling into the driver's seat.
"Well, this is fantastic," the Rabbi tells the man. "I have
only one question."
"What's that?"
"What's a mezuzah?"

[Dogbert]

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops -- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Washington Jewish Week!"
The elderly man replies, "'The Washington Jewish Week' has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel -- all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"

[Dogbert]

A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn.
The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you putout your hand?" he demanded.
"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"

[Dogbert]

Hebonics is the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response:"How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning:
"She dances beautifully, that girl"
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:
mountains becomes shmountains; turtle becomes shmurtle.

Sample usage Comparisons:
English: He walks slowly
Hebonics: Like a fly in the ointment, he walks.

English: Sorry, I don' t know the time.
Hebonics: What do I look like, a clock?

English: I hope things turn out okay.
Hebonics: You should BE so lucky!

English: I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you.
Hebonics: What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: Anything can happen.
Hebonics: Things are never so bad that they can't get worse..

English: May I take your plate, sir.
Hebonics: You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, somethings wrong with it?

English: It's been so long since you've called.
Hebonics: You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?

English: Let's not go skiing, let's go to the beach.
Hebonics: Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?