Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

The Visitor
This evening, the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known far and wide.
I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man. "I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.
I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"
The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."
Aha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does Jesus like chicken?" I asked.
The man's eyes glazed slightly.
"I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."
The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which I ignored.
"If he wants to daven Mincha before he comes, the shul is only three blocks from here," I said.
He gulped, "What?"
I repeated my statement and added, "You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?"
He nodded.
I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?"
He nodded and started to back away from my door.
I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish."
As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll" and the guy almost ran down the walk.
My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus."
She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.
I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away"
She walked back into her office, and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."
I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.

[Dogbert]

The Bronze Rat
A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.
The man gave the man twelve shekels. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was so disconcerting that he began walking faster.
But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him fasterand faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze Yasser Arafat."

[Dogbert]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75."
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "Just one? ...there's hundreds of them!"

[Dogbert]

Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline
You have to keep in mind the meaning in English of just five Hebrew words.
#1) Mee means 'Who' in English
#2) Hu means 'He' in English
#3) Hee means 'She' in English
#4) Ma mean 'What' in English
#5) Dag means 'Fish' in English

ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have
many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words
in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with
the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C: me, me, me!
A: Hu, hu, hu!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it,
and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and
now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she.
Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You
know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is
she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.

[Dogbert]

A Jew in Moscow was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knock on the door.
Who's there?" he asked.
"The postman!" came the reply.
The man got out of bed and opened the door and found two KGB agents.
"Are you Liebovitch?"
"Yes."
"And did you make an application to go to Israel?"
"I did."
"Don't you have enough food to eat here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Don't your children get a good Communist education?"
"Certainly."
"Then why do you want to leave Russia?"
"I don't like the post being delivered at three in the morning."

[Dogbert]

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem. He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:
"My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."
"Nu," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

[Dogbert]

Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

[Dogbert]

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is
Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Deer" and I want you
to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
"I already do," says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."

[Dogbert]

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So, a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it.
Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk?
Must be over a year ago!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet.
He thought I said, 'Kvetch'." (rant)

[Dogbert]

Jealous Wife
Hava Bromfeld was hanging up her husband's jacket when suddenly she became
furious. Hava had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder.
"I see," she screeched like a hawk on the coup-de-grace, "you were at your
mother's to get sympathy again!"

[Dogbert]

Arafat, Sharon, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Sharon are sitting there looking perplexed.

Arafat is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking: "Arafat must have tried to kiss that girl and has got slapped."

Arafat is thinking: "Damn it, Sharon must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking: "Arafat must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Sharon instead and got slapped."

Sharon is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Arafat again!"

[Dogbert]

David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.
"David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all the foreign guests who are here."

Ben-Gurion replies, "But, Winston Churchill gave me his permission."

"What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!" says Weizmann.

Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in London!'"

[Dogbert]

Two Jewish mothers met for coffee.
"Well Mildred, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my Daniel has married a slut! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"And Rivka?"

"Ah! Rivka has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice smart restaurant."

[Dogbert]

In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business:
"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew."

Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-Hate groups involved but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors, Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement.

[Dogbert]

Harry and Moish are sitting in their regular spot out in Limbo... waiting, like all other Jewish souls, to be judged.
Harry asks Moish what's on his mind, and Moish replies, "Well, it occurrs to me that a man's life basically consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty hears of having his wife ask the same; and at the end, the mourners wonder, too."

"Yeah," said Harry. "I know what you mean. But why do you look so startled?"

"Because," retorts Moish, "here we are in Limbo, and I'm starting to ask myself where I'm going."