Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow goyim..."

[Dogbert]

In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. One last point: No Jews---We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, wealthy BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

[Dogbert]

The CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject he came to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over chicken."
The rabbi was taken by surprised by this request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me to go against this age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."
The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a penny more."
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you on that."
The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued. "We have just come into 10 million dollars!"
The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued.
"That's the good news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!"

[Dogbert]

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After
studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[Dogbert]

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they felt were the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog.
We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of heir high intelligence is the fish which means that if that they had famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
"The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...
Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

[Drizzt]

Dogbert please, this is all really nice and I've laughed a lot, but...why don't save a bit of bandwith for the hard time to come?

[Dogbert]

About 8 o'clock one cold February morning David was in bed sound asleep.
His mother came into the room.
"Son, it's time to get up. You've got to get ready for shul." she implored.
"I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said.
"Son, you've got to get up and get ready for shul."
I"m not going to shul. Give me one good reason why I have to go to shul," he protested.
"I'll give you two good reasons: One, it's Shabbos and two, you're the Rabbi!"

[VJ]

I think he's going for 2000 posts...
(great jokes btw)


Jörg

[Dogbert]

Hard times to come ?

What hard times ?

[Dogbert]

Moishe and Shmuel had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Moishe invited Shmuel to visit him in his new apartment.
"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter!

When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"You're coming empty-handed?"

[Drizzt]

VJ, looking at those jokes I notice how much humorism can vary from culture to culture...REALLY vary O_o

[Dogbert]

A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a recipe for matzah balls.
When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls.'"

[Dogbert]

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"

[VJ]

drizzt:
Yes, humorism does differ. I must admit I don't get all of the jokes (either due to my limited knowledge of English, or due to the fact that I don't know that much about the Jewish religion - sorry). But some of them, I had already heard in a different variation...

Jörg

[Dogbert]

The problem with most 'jewish' humor is that it's very Armericanised.

It's mostly American English with a Jewish Brooklin accent a-la Bugs Bunny with some words in Yiddish here and there.