Another Jewish joke

[Dogbert]

God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven.
I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines.
Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women."
There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long.
The line of men that dominated women has only one man.

God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"

He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Dogbert]

A blind man is sitting on a park bench.
A Rabbi sits down next to him.
The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.
Taking pity on the blind man,
he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns,
taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks,
"Who wrote this crap?"

[Dogbert]

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car, nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having delivered it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour-ninety minutes long tops."
They promise to grant him the wish. "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president. What is your wish? "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "shoot me first!"

[Dogbert]

First lady says, "you know girls, I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac.
But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
Next lady says, "well, since we are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest. I am a nymphomaniac.
But don't worry I have not hit on your husbands' They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

Well, says the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian.
But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also..... I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."

[Dogbert]

Bennet had a pet dog that he loved for 12 years. The dog died, and a heart broken Bennet went to the Rabbi and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature ? "
The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal."

Bennet said, "So I'll go see them now.
Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ? "

The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?

[Dogbert]

Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn.
Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me.
I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland."

[Dogbert]

It's three oclock in the morning in the White house and the phone is ringing. Clinton answers the phone and it's Saddam Hussein. Clinton admonishes Saddam for calling so late. Saddam says "But I just had to tell you about this dream I just had. I was in the US in Washington DC and there were all these Iraqi flags flying around the city. "
Clinton responds, you know, I also just had a dream, but I was in Bagdhad and there were all these strange flags flying everywhere. Saddam says "What did the flags say?" and Clinton responds, I don't know, I can't read Hebrew.

[Dogbert]

Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together.
What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an
appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

[Dogbert]

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.

[Dogbert]

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy -- who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?" Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."

[Dogbert]

Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'

[Dogbert]

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea. "Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!! Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand. The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!"

[Dogbert]

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."

[Dogbert]

So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"

[Dogbert]

A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two old jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."